detached again

not sure how I accomplished it, but I slammed up walls and stopped the emotions (at least for tonight). there’s definitely a switch somewhere, I just have no idea where and how to reliably access it.

gotta fake it through my appointment on Thursday, then smile and nod through the appointment, then keep faking it for another 2 weeks just to smile & nod through another appointment…

I wish I knew how to control the walls more reliably. I wish I knew what I did to get SJ to fall asleep and stop her running dialogue. I wish I knew how I accomplished the detachment I now feel.

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4 responses to “detached again

  • Olly

    the switch can be helpful too. I have it also, I guess it’s to help me from overloading on my emotions and to stay safe. It is annoying though. I’ve been taking note of the triggers so that I can avoid constant numbness.. peace xx keep safe

    • Samantha Jane

      constant numbness is annoying. I also dislike that I can’t seem to be genuine in therapy when I need it.
      how have you pinpointed the triggers? I’m trying to find mine so that maybe I can figure this out and have some better control…

      • Olly

        Yeah I actually know exactly what you mean, plus it makes it very hard to be taken seriously or even live an every day life. I do feel things are VERY slowly coming together, but not without challenges and resistance from almost every angle, it’s seriously frustrating. Just keep paying attention to yourself and try to detangle your shit from other peoples, that’s where I am at the moment anyway.. I’m very slowly working things out. Hows your process?

      • Samantha Jane

        I think I figured out a few, but not really sure. Definitely having a lot of challenges. Currently my head is a hot mess, so I’m having trouble with just about everything at the moment, including finding what all my triggers are both for the on and off switch.

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