Being good vs overly needy

I dunno. I’m really having a rough time lately. I don’t see TL till Thursday. She asked me to tell her if this biweekly thing works for me, and all I can admit to is that it’s a rollercoaster, but can’t bring myself to admit to really struggling with the drop in support. I want to be good. I want to be ok with the schedule change because I’m sure her schedule is necessitating it. She’s suggested a boundary and I’m going with it because I don’t want to seem so needy. Only I am. And I don’t know how to fix that…
there are some other things I’m hesitant to talk about in therapy because to bring them up now feels manipulative. I should know how to handle all this by now anyway…
I dunno. This all sucks. The bigger the depression gets, the harder it is to be objective about myself. I feel like a bother and a burden and a failure. I feel like I should have gotten further in therapy in 4 months (because it’s really been about 17 years plus the 4 months with TL). I should know this all by now. I should be able to pep-talk myself out of this mindset. The depression shouldn’t get this bad at this point. It is all under my control after all (I’ve not been on meds in 3 years, I should have this mastered by now). Only it’s not. I’ve done all the things that are supposed to keep it from getting too bad, but none of that is preventing the fall. I’m making plans. I’m dragging myself out despite wanting to stay in bed. I’m keeping distracted. I’m letting people close to me know I’m struggling and looking to them for support, but it’s not stopping this. I’m trying to be so good and do what she wants… she’s not going to see it though. She’s going to suggest all this again (if I even admit to feeling this ******). It’s like nothing I do is ever good enough because the stupid interventions they suggest don’t work. They *have* to work because there’s research saying they do. I’m clearly not trying hard enough or not wanting to stay happy bad enough. I’m not grateful enough for what I have. I’m too spoiled and needy and demanding. And I’m too dependant. And I’m resistant…
and I have no capacity for my own reality checks around this. (I’m not even sure I would believe TL if she tried to tell me I wasn’t all those things right now, though I doubt she would think I’m not).
My little kid is at the surface now. This all scares her so she hangs around to see if she can figure a way to help, but she’s just a kid. The most she can do is ask for help at some point, but that’s only a last resort. She doesn’t trust many people, so she won’t let them see her unless she’s desperate. I guess it’s good she’s not desperate… she really wanted to trust TL, but that didn’t work out. Now she’s leaving, and SJ’s panicking and I’m panicking and… I dunno.


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