I think she’s crazy… (and a metaphor for recovery)

Ok, so aside of kicking myself for not saying what I needed to in session today, I think TL is smoking something. She again said she could picture my art selling… I dunno. I guess I don’t believe anyone would actually like it enough to buy it. I suppose I could make some to try to sell and see how that goes… I also think I will try to make her something. I have a tradition of making “thank you & goodbye” gifts for therapists. Maybe I’ll do that for her too (though I’m not sure she can accept it, I may just leave it with her anyway). The idea I have for the piece would be kinda costly, but cool at least in terms of mounting. I’m still not sure what to do for the actual piece. I have an idea of what colors to use (she keeps saying she likes the colors on one of my journal pages), but beyond that I’m stumped…

As for therapy today, I’m realizing I have a lot of resistance to dealing with the body memory stuff. I get trapped in a vortex of my own judgement and the shame that goes along with it. The words catch in my throat. Then it’s too easy to go another route and not talk about it yet again…

I can’t remember exactly what prompted the conversation, but TL explained a great metaphor for recovery. She asked me to visualize a mountain. She then went on to explain that recovery and healing is a lot like climbing a mountain range. You struggle, you climb, you hit plateaus. You have to go down a bit on your way across the range on the to the tallest peak, but you are always higher up than when you started… It makes sense. I know that even with all my crashes, I’m still not losing every gain I’ve made up until that point. It’s easier to control the skitter down the incline. It’s a softer landing and the “bottom” is still further up than it has been in the past.Β It’s easier to start climbing again. I need to remember this metaphor. Maybe it will work its way into an art piece soon… maybe TL’s art piece. (Everest complete with prayer flags and snow and clouds… hmm…)

Regardless, I think I want to work on transitioning to a new therapist. I’m pretty sure it was all wishful thinking about being able to follow TL to a new agency because today she mentioned not wanting to have to work there long… so much for consistency. I did ask her if she thought I’d have to switch therapists again soon if I stayed with the current agency. She only said she hoped not, but she didn’t sound too sure. I hate the idea of keeping her coming back now that I’m either one of a very few clients she still sees there, or the only one. It feels like an inconvenience not because I get that vibe from her, but because I don’t like the special consideration. I don’t feel worthy of it… we also hugely ran over on time today, and it makes me feel guilty. It’s another thing I feel inconveniences her and is disrespectful to her time. I know it’s ultimately her responsibility to keep us to time, but I still feel to blame. I don’t want her to resent me for any reason…

In an attempt to believe that TL is telling the truth about my art, I started on a larger piece today. It’s quite intimidating because I had gotten used to working small in my journal (most prior works had been larger). I’m figuring things out, trying new media and techniques. So far, I’ve gotten one layer of the bg done. I think this one will have the mountains I had mentioned earlier, though I’m not sure if they will be a focal point or simply in there as info. I think this will also be the piece I end up giving to TL (depending on how it turns out). I need a few more supplies for this however, because working on suck a larger scale would use too much of certain supplies. I think I will also need to go get a picture of mountains printed on a larger-scale of I get too lazy to paint them… then comes the frame idea. I think I can fabricate the frame on my own of I try hard enough, though it would be much easier to purchase even a custom frame for it (but really expensive I’m sure)… Anyway, here’s step one of the bg.


7 responses to “I think she’s crazy… (and a metaphor for recovery)

  • Olly

    your art is damn lovely! i start an art course on monday, i imagine mine will be similar as i deal with emotions..

    • Samantha Jane

      Thanks Olly. At is definitely fun, and a great form of expression. I hope you enjoy your class πŸ™‚

      • Olly

        thankyou πŸ™‚ Do you listen to music whilst making it too? I hope I do too, thankyou πŸ™‚

      • Samantha Jane

        I do, either through headphones or the speakers on my phone, but yeah. What do you like to listen to? (My current playlist is techno-heavy and some other random stuff, but it changes every few months. I think the songs that have made it into the art most are: say something by a great big world, fix you by Coldplay, studying stones by Ani DiFranco, let you down by three days grace, believe by telepop musik, safe and sound by Taylor Swift, hurt by nine inch nails, unconditionally by Katie Perry, and starting over by macklemore & Ryan Lewis)… wow, that’s a long list! Oh, and figure 8 by elite Goulding…

      • Olly

        Wow, I don’t know most of those, other than ‘hurt’ by NIN. Do you like the johnny cash version? Strangely enough, for me at the moment I have a favorite artist called Aesop Rock (not asap rocky) who is a rap artist, I love him though, because he’s so poetic and I can relate to his stuff πŸ™‚ I always go through phases too πŸ™‚ Do you like any folk or indie?

      • Samantha Jane

        I haven’t heard of that artist. I will have to look him up. I really like Angel Haze also. She’s rap… also like the Johnny cash version of hurt. I don’t normally like remakes, but there’s something about his version that pulls me in…
        For folk (outside of Ani DiFranco), I like the weepies, iron and wine, Chris Pureka… having trouble thinking of others off the top of my head. I know I like indie, but don’t know much beyond liking what I hear. I’m guessing I would recognize a name if you mentioned it though… oh, my college roommates formed me on to some old school bluegrass – Mississippi Joe Hurt…
        Random, and not sure what category he’d fit into, but have you heard of That 1 Guy (and his magic pipe)?
        Also, really liking Skylar Gray at the moment (she wrote “love the way you lie” and a bunch of other rap/R&B songs).
        I find a lot of stuff through Pandora. I put on one station and just let our run through. I try to add variety to them all the time too so I get new music.

      • Samantha Jane

        Oh, and indigo girls. Love them. And Fleetwood Mac. And Metallica… I’m really eclectic. It depends on my mood.

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