I’m in a weird space. I spent some time floating back through the archives of this blog (I was somewhat shocked that my stats went up, so I wanted to see what people were looking at) and could not connect to anything either emotionally or intellectually. I’m really disconnected… I know I wrote it, but it feels like I’m reading about someone else. It all feels so… weird. I’m not quite sure why I don’t connect to any of it. Not the past, not my reactions to things, nothing. It’s like I’m just reading a familiar story, but it’s not mine.
This hasn’t happened recently, and I’ve never really noticed the level of disconnect from everything till today, but it’s disconcerting. The weird feeling normally comes the day after a really disturbing dream. I can’t remember a disturbing dream last night, but I have come off of a week of being sick and having flashbacks/body memories all the time. Maybe my brain is taking some distance before it overloads.
There’s really no emotion today either. I’m not sure what that’s about. I’m flat, almost a void. Maybe more of that distance my head needs. I’m holding my breath till Wednesday. I really would like to talk to TL about a whole bunch of stuff. I’m going to try not to put too many expectations on the session though, because that always leads to a let-down. I will inevitably forget something or gloss over something or get choked on talking about something. I should probably make a list, but there’s also a plan for the session. We were supposed to put emotions to some of the journal pages (I still can’t put words to my own emotions despite being able to help others name theirs… frustrating. More stuff that I lose when I hit an emotional space). I still really want to do that. But I also want to ask her if it would be ok if I followed her to the new agency. And I want to talk about making that work if it’s ok with her. And I want to talk about the body memories. And I want to cover some of the old art journal pages that are really pretty relevent today (plus, there are some new ones… or will be by Wed). There’s also a bunch of stuff I wrote in the last 2 weeks that also need addressing. So yeah, there’s way too much to fit into an hour. I guess I’ll have to prioritize… Time to print out the journals and copy this list to have something to refer back to when I see her.