Another transition on the horizon

So, TL reminded me that she was leaving the agency eventually. She asked how long I thought therapy should take with one therapist. I didn’t have an answer for her. She reminded me that the agency generally worked with people for 3 months then reassessed, and that I had been there longer than 3 months. She again asked how long I generally expected to stay with one therapist. She seemed to be thinking a month more, as she gave that as a reference point before asking if I thought I would need longer or shorter.

My initial interpretation was that she will be leaving the agency by the new year. A friend suggested that it may just be supervisor pressure to switch up her caseload because of a waiting list they likely have.

I’m not good with change or loss. Granted I expected to only be seeing TL for about 6 weeks before I planned to move, but I didn’t want to have to change again before the move (something I had specifically mentioned both before and during the intake). Now though, that move looks like it is postponed indefinitely…

I had a bit of liquid courage and was able to leave TL a message. I told her I had hoped to find someone that could see me through till I moved, but I understood that, since it was now an open-ended time frame, she would likely not be the person to see me through that. I reminded her trust is really difficult for me, and I asked if she could help me find someone who could provide more consistent support until I finally moved… I also may have admitted that the only reason I was telling her that was because I was tipsy (file that under things you probably should leave out of a voicemail to your therapist…).

Anyway. I again asked her to shred the reading material I had given her before I left. There’s no sense in getting started with it (or revealing any of that to her) if I will not be continuing to work with her. Too vulnerable… I’m also contemplating simply not returning to therapy at all anymore. Financially, I can’t afford a more consistent therapist (aka: not a student), and emotionally I can’t keep switching, so I should just give up till I can get back to Dr C… it’s not the smartest move with all the rampant triggers here, but it may just be the only self-preserving move I can make.

I was very tempted to cancel on TL when I left her the messages. It’s too raw. But I also know I would regret not at least saying goodbye in person, so I guess I’ll just go next week with the intention of not returning anymore after that. I know I asked TL to help me get hooked up with a more consistent source of support, but I don’t want to have to open myself up to that again. Losses are way too hard…

It’s weird, I was just thinking yesterday that so far this thing with TL was going ok, and maybe she proved my theory wrong of people letting you down just as soon as you got around to trusting them (be it leaving, or a betrayal of trust, or whatever). Guess I jinxed it right then…

There’s really been only a handful of people that hadn’t fallen into the “let me down” category (L being one)… To the rest, thanks for proving my need for distance and walls correct.

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4 responses to “Another transition on the horizon

  • grace to survive

    There sounds like such a strength in you to know to go to say ‘goodbye.’ Although losses are hard, (and guaranteed in this life) managing without a safe place to talk may be harder!

    • Samantha Jane

      thanks. I had a supervisor back in college who instilled in us the importance of a proper “goodbye”, even if it was just a change in the relationship. I’ve definitely found that the relationships where I insisted on being able to say goodbye had better closure than the ones where I did not (and they were an overall easier transition).

      I know it will likely be really difficult to cope without a “safe place”, but I’m also not sure how to handle these losses. They have been disproportionately huge these last 2 times. I don’t know if I can set myself up for a third loss without dealing with these first (and I don’t think I will have the opportunity or time to deal with these ones)…
      I really don’t know what to do. I feel like she might be trying to give me a sense of control over this ending, but I don’t feel any control in it at all. If I told her a timeframe that was longer than her remaining time at the agency, it wouldn’t change that I still need to switch. The control feels like just an illusion of control. I’d rather not have it at all, or take the control by calling it quits right away and not going back for more torture.

      I know it’s all huge and tied up in the past, but I don’t have faith in my ability to untangle it all in time. 😦

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