walls. walls as far as the eye can see…

Since last session with TL, I have slapped a lot of walls into place. High ones, thick ones, insulated ones. So much so, that I don’t even really remember what I was all so worried about the last few weeks. I know there were “flashbacks” and that I thought they were disturbing, but I have no connection to them right now. They feel about as real to me as stories someone would have told me and I am simply remembering vague details of the telling. Whatever murky waters I was drowning in before are now far, far away. It’s as if I was caught in a rip current last week, but now have moved off into the desert in the mountains somewhere and the struggles at the beach were just something someone told me about. I don’t even feel a connection to whomever did the telling, as if it were a stranger on the bus just jabbering away at no one and everyone…

It’s funny how the brain works. You hit a point where it simply shuts off and all connection to that other stuff is lost. A breaker was tripped and now there’s no current connecting anything… It’s a weird feeling. And one that makes it very difficult to reliably and effectively address the issues that I know are there.

It works the same when I get overwhelmed by things. I lose any sight of balance or competence. This peace is as foreign to me then as the chaos is now…

I see TL again tomorrow morning. I suppose I should print out what I had written right after last session. Maybe reading that to her will help spark a connection to it. I certainly don’t want to get overwhelmed again by it. but I do want to be able to address it…

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