Saw TL today. I managed to dance around talking about the flashbacks till it was too late to bring it up… I wish I hadn’t avoided it for so long, because it was something I really should have talked to her about today. It’s totally eating me up, but I wasn’t able to bring myself to open up about it. Then the worry set in because it was getting too late to open that can of worms. I was able to let her know that I had wanted to talk about them and the fear around opening up, but there wasn’t enough time to blurt it all out. So now I’m waiting til next week again. By then the walls will go up again and the anxiety will kick my ass and I won’t be able to say it for a third week in a row.
I left there wanting to cry. I felt like I would cry in session too, but I couldn’t let the tears flow. I bit my lip till they fell back into line and retreated. I was afraid if I cried right then that I 1) would not be able to stop and/or 2) would start screaming uncontrollably… I didn’t like either of those options. TL was gentle about it though. She reminded me it was probably healing to be able to talk about that stuff, and that it was safe there to do so. I don’t really remember what else she said about it because the sides of myself started arguing. The professional side agreed with TL and tried to get me to acknowledge that. The teenage side got defensive and started putting up walls and repeating “no.no.no.no.no.no” getting louder and more insistent the more vulnerable I felt. SJ was tugging at my shirt begging me to talk. And then there was that more neutral side trying to be ok with letting TL know what was going on inside. It’s the most distinct all the sides have been recently, but also the most like a meeting with all in one room that they have ever been… normally I know I’m stuck in one side or the other. This actually felt like the different sides are all in one space and I understood everything at once, but didn’t feel everything at once, more like bouncing from side to side as each blurted out its piece. It’s weird, the more these flashbacks come, and the more they bother me, the more distinct each side feels… is this late-onset psychosis? Coz it kinda feels that way…
On a vaguely related note, anxiety really shoots my heart rate up. There’s an app on my phone that can measure my pulse (I’m assuming it’s not totally accurate, but it reads normal much of the time). When I took it while waiting for TL, it averaged 226bpm. I always take it three times in a row to get a somewhat more accurate reading. Normally I average about 80-100 when not anxious or stressed. This time everything was over 220. I know I have a history of tachycardia, so this doesn’t really worry me. I did tell TL though. She was concerned it might make me more anxious. I explained it actually works a bit more like biofeedback for me: I consciously work to slow my heart rate if it’s too high. It’s another way I remind myself to breathe and re-center… (Speaking of, I can feel it fluttering around again so I need to remember to breathe).
Another week to wait to talk to TL about all this again. Another week of her voice mail being full so I can’t relieve the anxiety by leaving her a message. This sucks. Hopefully though, I won’t be as crazy-depressed again and unable to function.
I did end up going to the mixed media social tonight and enjoying myself after I again stifled the urge to cry. Hopefully that social interaction will float me a while longer. I see her Thursday this week, which I think may be our new standing appointment time, so only 5 days and a few hours to go. I can do this. Just have to keep remembering to breathe.