More art journaling

Kinda drowning, so hey, why not do more art?

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The writing is lyrics to Fall From Grace by Sarah McLachlan (b-side to Full of Grace)…

It started as a journal entry, but I didn’t want the writing in this book, so I covered it with a drawing of eyes. Then I added background with my water-soluble crayons and washed everything over with water. I tried to draw a skull, but failed miserably, so I painted over it. I thought the black blob looked like half a heart, so I added the other half. I thought it needed more, so I painted the heart over with bronze, which re-wet the black. I added the ink drops, but it still needed more. I added more watercolor crayon. Still plain. Dug around Sarah songs till I found the one with the right emotion behind it. I’m frustrated that I can’t find the actual song in my library, because I know I had it at one point (along with I Will Not Forget You, which I love but also cannot find)… Anyway. Lyrics were added. I tried to highlight the lyrics that conveyed today’s emotions, but that didn’t work out so well. Wiped off the watercolors and sealed one last time with matte medium. :shrugs: I know you don’t care about the process, but I didn’t want to explain all the emotion in the piece, so you got process instead.

I’m spent. And so tired. And TL’s voice mail is still full. And it’s only Wednesday (aka: Saturday is still far away)… the flashbacks and their implications have taken a huge toll on me. I’m trying to keep my head above water, but it’s hard… wasted money we don’t have on something that made me feel better, but now I just feel guilty about it (and yet I want more because it was an incredible high, not simply the release I get from other stuff… no, not substances).

I feel like crying, but the tears would somehow mean that I’m accepting the flashbacks as true and accurate. I’m not sure I’m ready to do that just yet. I really wish I could talk to TL. I feel so small over this; so vulnerable and shaken… and I’m so tired…

Fall From Grace by Sarah McLachlan

the winter here’s cold, and bitter
it’s chilled us to the bone
i haven’t seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
i feel just like i’m sinking
and I claw for solid ground
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought I can feel so low
but oh darkness I feel like letting go

but all of the strength all of the courage
couldn’t lift me from this place
i know I can love you much better than this
i fall from grace
fall from grace

it’s better this way, I said
having seen this place before
where everything we say and do
hurts us all the more

its just that we stayed, too long
in the same old sickly skin
i’m pulled down by the undertow
i never thought I can feel so low
but oh darkness I feel like letting go

but all of the strength
all of the courage
couldn’t lift me from this place
together we crumble and stumble and fall
i fall from grace
fall from grace

i know I can love you much better than this
so it’s better this way

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