TL unintentionally gave me an assignment (2 actually) that are kinda impossible not to do, yet they go against every fiber of my being (in a good way).
The first one came about when we were talking about my need to please people and always do what is asked. She said she would be really excited of I came in next week and told her that I didn’t do the assignment and didn’t care that I didn’t do it… I told her not to hold her breath. I could tell her I didn’t do it, but I would be profusely apologetic for not having done it. (This belief causes a lot of anxiety when I don’t follow through on anything and everything I’m told to do and is something she wants me to work on changing, yet I’m not sure I want to change it just now because of the anxiety involved).
The second came about as a way to get me to start changing the core belief that I am always to blame for everything. She wants me to notice (and track when I notice) that I am reacting to something by taking all the blame. My problem is that I don’t want to change this belief right now. It’s useful in the moment, and I’m not ready to give it up without a huge amount of anxiety…
So in my attempt to avoid anxiety, I have to pretty much change both core beliefs to be able to cater to them both. Does that even make sense?
Overall, it’s causing lots of anxiety just thinking about it.
More anxiety is stemming from having asked TL to look into something as I was leaving, and now feeling like I really don’t want her to look into it. My problem is that I can’t leave her vm to cancel her search (if she had not yet found the info) because her vm is full. I can’t tell her about the anxiety. I can’t ask her not to look up that info. I have to just sit with the anxiety and hope I can talk myself down from it, plus there’s the whole other week to wait to address all this plus the stuff that I hadn’t addressed today because we got sidetracked sorta processing last week’s session.
This week is going to suck…