I just want to cry. It was so triggering today, but not in the usual way. It triggered lots of emotional flashbacks, but only towards the end of the session, and they fully hit only after I left. We talked about how I had been really flat this week (not excited or sad about anything, just emotionless). TL was concerned, but I did my best to express how there was nothing behind the flatness this time (at least not in the moment that I was talking to her). She tried to have me see the “gains” from this week’s lack of emotion. I couldn’t seem to comprehend any of it as a “gain”, just a break. I think that frustrates the hell out of her. She’s insisting it’s a gain, and I’m here trying to tell her things will fall apart again (because they always have). She spent a good deal of time trying to convince me that worrying about things falling apart will make them happen. She says I make it happen with my train of thought. I didn’t know how to explain that I am just going off of past history. Every break from the heaviness is shortly (or rarely: long-ly) followed by a crash. I’d much rather cover what to keep an eye out for, and what to do when it happens, then to think this is finally the time I recover fully with no back-sliding.
I’ve figured out her pushing with the things she does reminds me a lot of my childhood, and I respond to her like I would my parents (mostly G – get defensive, feel invalidated, feel unheard, want to run but fear the consequences of doing so…). This seems to be triggered every single session. I don’t quite know how to address it or what to do about it. I’m hoping she has an effective way of dealing with this transference. With De, it was all the positive stuff that was being felt (and causing the hurt at the loss). With TL, it’s all the negative stuff. It’s preventing a feeling of safety in therapy, which is something I need in order to be able to continue with it effectively.
So I’m here wanting to cry my eyes out, wanting to talk to her again in hopes that I could leave feeling better rather than worse, and I have a week to wait. I know by then I will lose touch with all this. The walls will go back up and I will be as baffled by today’s emotions next week as I was about last week’s emotions today. She says she’s ok with me not knowing how to explain it on the spot, but then she seems incredulous that I truly don’t know or don’t have connection to it if I’m not in the same emotional space. I’m really good at compartmentalizing. The walls go up and that’s it. Sometimes I get a sense of what’s going on in the background, other times there’s nothing. This week, there was nothing I had access to. Now the access is back. And it sucks. 😦