Triggering all the “shoulds”

I’m not sure why I’m continuing therapy at this time. Yesterday’s session was again really triggering, but this time add on all the “shoulds” it brought up…
I know… I know I should be doing so many things differently, and I should be able to deal more effectively with all this, and I should know how to ground, and I should be better at recognizing the past vs the present and I should be able to do this on my own. I know this. But it doesn’t make anything any easier or more effective… it just reminds me again of how much I’m failing at life, how I frustrate the hell out of everyone with my lack of progress, and how I’ll never be good enough at anything for anyone.

I keep thinking I need to walk away from therapy, but at the same time the thought of not having even that illusion of support frightens me. I can’t do this alone, but I can’t do it with what I have either :/

I feel like trying to contain all that is triggered in therapy is like trying to contain a spill in a bucket full of cracks and holes. As soon as something gets put back, something else flows (oozes or gushes or spills or bursts) out through one of the weak spots… it’s futile.

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8 responses to “Triggering all the “shoulds”

  • weareonebyruth

    Who’s ‘shoulding’ on you? My counselor taught me that each person goes at their own pace. When I felt frustrated because we kept going over the same information he reassured me that I was attacked from so many directions I had a lot of healing to do. He also reassured me that there will always be someone that will tell me “You should……” He told me that they haven’t lived my experiences. May I suggest some different shoulds to consider?
    I should be kind to myself.
    I should remember that every person has their own healing path. I won’t heal the same way as someone else.
    I should consider a different counselor if my counselor is the one shoulding on me.
    I should consider the source of who is telling me I should do this or that…..what is their agenda?
    Counseling is tough enough without some outside person telling you how you should heal. Progress is slow. I spent 10 years in counseling and had 2 different counselors and I am looking for a 3rd one. My journey is different from my friends that has been in and out of counseling for 30 years had a half a dozen counselors and is just as frustrated as I am. Sometimes she laments she should be able to do what I do. I remind her too, each of our paths are our own.
    Hugs.
    Ruth

    • Samantha Jane

      I know I should tell her how I feel about ago this, but part of me just wants to run away from it all (possibly for the second time in therapy I am actually, seriously considering quitting). I don’t know how to contain all this on my own every week…

    • Samantha Jane

      (I responded to Ellen’s comment but it’s kinda in reference to what you said also… just needed to be able to processes what I needed to say… didn’t want to give the impression I was ignoring your comment)

      • weareonebyruth

        It’s OK. I know how tough it can be when counseling isn’t going well. A million questions of what needs to be done to change it. I don’t blame you for wanting to run away. I get it. Take care.

  • 0sername

    I know what you mean about feeling like you need to leave, but also feeling like you need the support. It’s really hard, but at the end of the day I figure the balance is swung in favour of the unpleasant, but positive, outcome from therapy. In theory anyway!

    Have you thought through how you’d get by without it? As in, really sat down and imagined not having that support? I’ve had to make myself do that, and even though I imagine not spending my week bursting with the fallout from therapy, I remember that the prospect of the upcoming session gives me something to hold on to when I’m struggling.

    If it’s all a huge question mark, you could try a break? Like a month, or six weeks, and see how that goes? Just an idea!

    • Samantha Jane

      Yeah. I know going without the support would not be the best idea at the moment, but I also don’t know how to deal with things the way they are now. I want to leave her a message about all this, but I needed to figure out exactly what and how to say it all… this week she offered up leaving her messages as needed, though not always being able to return the call. I may just start with one and warn her that others are to follow as I figure out what I need to say… I don’t want to get annoying with it though. (Something I told her when she offered, but she insisted it was ok, so maybe?)

  • Ellen

    I agree wholehearedly with Ruth here. If this counselor is ‘shoulding’ you…no wonder you’re thinking of quitting. We do enough of that to ourselves! I do see your dilemma though. Perhaps somewhat poor support is preferable to none in some cases.

    • Samantha Jane

      I think my problem is that I’m not sure if she is actually doing the “shoulding” or if it’s my head putting it in there… I know or conversation triggered it, but I’m not sure if that was her intent, or if I just go they’re myself. I know I read her as much more critical and/or angry than she actually is (she says that is not her intent at any time at all), and we have talked about that a bit. I just don’t know how to addresses it all in an hour… and I never manage to bring up weekday I need to, even if I take in a list…

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