today’s session was a fail…

I had really wanted to talk to TL about the stuff I had given her to read last week, but I froze when she asked about it. Terror took over and I couldn’t do anything. The stuff I wanted to say got lost on its way from my brain to my mouth. She made a good effort at getting me to loosen up and speak, but I could not get out of my own way. I really need to figure out how to get past that roadblock in my head.

I’m also really struggling to maintain any connection and trust between sessions. I had meant to bring that up today too, but I got distracted by my fear. It’s just too difficult to have to build up to being able to speak, then realizing I only have about 5 minutes left. It takes me nearly the whole session to feel comfortable enough to open up. I need to figure out how to carry any trust and comfort from one session to the next. I used to write in a private blog to De, but that’s not an option. Most of the suggestions I had gotten from others are not options, which is why I had meant to bring it up with TL today. I was hoping we could come up with something that works within the framework in which we work… I had actually had stuff written down to cover today, but I never looked at it. I really wanted to start with the stuff I had given her to read, but that became so overwhelming it took over everything in me…

I did end up going to the beach after though. It was nice and stormy and quiet. There were only a few dozen people out there (tourist season has not yet started), so it was easy to find a spot away from others. One of the lifeguards decided to surf on his break. I spent some time watching him do his thing. Then a woman and 3 boys came by and they played in the water. It was a good choice to go. On the way to and from the beach, I turned up the music and the bass in the car. I have found that the vibration of the bass helps calm me down. It vibrates the emotion out of me. It doesn’t work outside of the car (or back in the day, the club) because I need the whole-body experience of the bass moving through all of me… Guess I need to specifically add that to my list of coping skills, as it’s a good counter to any impulsiveness I may be feeling. something about it triggers the same kind of release…

Anyway, gotta wait another week to try again with TL. I hate it, because so much builds up and piles on to all the stuff that didn’t get addressed the week before, it becomes overwhelming. Getting through the week is really difficult, then the session is a let-down in terms of what I need to cover, and then I have another week to wait for another try. I really miss the availability of writing to De, or coming in extra. It made the connection last a bit better…

2 responses to “today’s session was a fail…

  • andreabehindglass

    I’m really sorry you didn’t get to talk about the things you wanted to. But please don’t be annoyed with yourself (if you are), because it is very early days and it takes a long time for anyone to really trust someone to talk about important things like that.

    This may sound like a really s**t suggestion, but have you thought about taking a photo of TL? I find that if I have photos of people when I was with them I can remember beneficial things much more, like good things that happened (which BPD tends to help me forget when I’m down), or some positive feeling that helps me to retain a sense of trust. I have also tried writing things down between appointments, so that if for some reason I can’t talk about it in the session, I can just show the things I wrote.

    I’m sorry if these aren’t at all helpful, and I really hope you are able to build a more helpful relationship with TL soon. Take care.

    • Samantha Jane

      Thanks for the suggestions. Never thought of the picture thing. I may ask her about that. I do wore things down already, just never manage to reverence them in session. I need to get better about that…

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