Waiting

I don’t know why waiting for Saturday seems so difficult. It’s just one more day, but it feels like forever. And I always end up feeling like that hour is not enough. It’s always too short. I always crave that connection, but it fizzles as the week progresses. I find it hard to connect again, it takes too long to build up to being able to talk, then the hour is up and I’ve not tackled anything. I’m left needing to talk again. It sucks.  I wish she had more availability. I wish I could either do a longer session, or go more often. But it’s not going to happen :/

I hate needing so much. I hate that I need to look to someone else for emotional safety and for comfort. I used to get along ok without it, but since I’ve gotten a taste of it, I don’t want to go without. The safety is a huge thing. I don’t completely feel it with TL yet, but I get glimpses of it. It’s almost more painful that way. I’m reminded what it’s like, then I lose it for most of the week… I don’t know how to carry it through. I don’t know how to hold that connection. With De, I could write and she would see it before we met again. I don’t have that with TL. I don’t have anything with her. Relationship- and trust-building sucks. I don’t think it would be so difficult if I didn’t feel so lost in life. But I have no job, no purpose (even though I try to create meaning and purpose in my days), no one “comfortable” to hang out with… I don’t have the drive to get out to do things I think I would enjoy like the beach or the everglades. I would probably at least enjoy the moment if I could go do those things, but getting there is the hard part. It’s not the logistics, it’s the talking myself into going. The little voice in my head gives me a million excuses not to go, most of which involve my lack of energy and the difficulty of motivating. I can barely drag myself to the things I have to do. I don’t have the motivation for anything else. I was seriously thinking about not going to yesterday’s workshop (is expensive, it’s far), but I had already paid for it the day before and I didn’t want to lose the cash. I always have fun once there, it’s just getting there that’s difficult… and maybe being there is a bit intimidating because she makes very astute “art therapist” connections sometimes (she works in the foster care system in her day job. We talked shop for a while the first class I went to, and I’m gathering she has some AT certification and/or training). Sometimes it’s a bit vulnerable, but it’s also kinda nice to have parts of me “seen” and still accepted by total strangers.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Sorry. One of those days with only about 2 hours of sleep the night before, and it always lowers my emotional veil a bit.

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