Middle of the night ramblings

I can’t sleep. Keep getting restless. Today was kinda rough. PMS combined with a handful of disappointments and stressors had me cranky and on the verge of tears all day…I had expected to be getting a new phone today, but not as expensive as it ended up being. I was going to keep my old phone once I found out that the quote I had gotten earlier in the week was inaccurate, but it got stuck trying to factory reset then overheated. Ended up with the new phone, but spent double what I had expected to spend on it.

Earlier, had some issues with the bank and a check I was told I could deposit through the atm. Turns out I should have gone to a teller. The check was pulled, as were the funds. I got an overdraft fee (have to talk to them about that) because the check was pulled. Also, the a/c will have to wait another 2 weeks now it seems (all related to the check)…

I spent the day running errands. Then got home and dealt with the frustration of the learning curve for the new phone when trying to set it up again the way I like it. I realized I didn’t know the pw’s to much, so a good 3 hours was spent trying to recover accounts. I think I have it set up acceptably for the time being. We will see what I’ve forgotten as I try to use it and find stuff missing. On the plus side, the camera on this new phone is much better than the old one!
Took this pic tonight:



I really miss De again lately. Not quite sure why (meaning I’m not sure what triggered the sudden flood of emotion over it as things had been a bit easier the past 2 weeks). I miss having that safe space. I miss the comfort of her office. I miss that I already had trust built up. I miss her availability… it’s difficult to get to know and trust TL. Being restricted to once a week at the time of the appointment is hard. Switching rooms also throws me off. We have 3 rooms we bounce between, but I can’t get comfortable with the switching. I also lose much of the connection that built during session as the week progresses. I had given her some more vulnerable stuff to read as I left last week and now I don’t want to go back (but I do at the same time). I’m very much worried about judgements. I know she said that’s not her style, but I can’t seem to believe that. The negative voice in my head says she’s going to judge me anyway. It tells me that this bit of information pushes me into the “too broken” category. It whispers that she’s going to throw up her hands and run away hard and fast. It says I am too far gone with everything, and this will prove to her that all those other providers were correct: I’m totally hopeless.

I’m glad I was able to get most of my music onto this phone. I would be lost without my playlist tonight.


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