The session was spent talking a lot about fear of judgement. We talked a bit about where it stems from, and TL tried to assure me she would not judge me negatively for anything I said. She also tried to assure me that her reactions were genuine, and that she did not say one thing in the therapy room only to say something else behind closed doors.
I kinda introduced the level of compartmentalization in my head, but I did not bring up any specifics. We talked a bit about walls, and my inability to connect to anything if I am not currently in the corresponding emotional state. At the end of session, I gave her a print out of a blog I had written to De about this around the same time last year describing SJ and the other aspects of my head. I did not want to be around when she read it, so I asked that she read it before next week. She glanced at it briefly, and that caused some panic, so I quickly started talking to pull her attention away from what I handed to her. Now there’s a measure of urgency in wanting to talk it over with her. Next Saturday is a long way away.
I wonder if all of this is playing into the weird anxiety symptoms I have been having lately… probably is. Hopefully next week this will all dissipate.
She had wanted me to write about the session, but I can’t think of any way to meaningfully process it. I was so wrapped up in the anxiety over explaining things to her that I didn’t take in too much on a conscious level. I guess she will have to be ok with that. I hope next week’s session goes well…