Daily Archives: August 9, 2014

Therapy mess

Therapy was rough yesterday. I should have gone ahead and tried to tell her what I needed to, and not done the art activity. I ended up being really triggered at the time I left, and in a fog. It took way too long to come out of it.
There’s way too long between sessions at the moment.  I know they are weekly, and that should be ok, but it’s not. I think I was able to ask her to help me find more therapeutic supports, but I’m not sure any really exist. I still have to wait till Friday to see her again. Can I just sleep the week through?
Also, I will admit reading my records was a mistake. I thought I knew what was in it. I thought I knew the worst of it, but I can’t get some of it out of my head. Too many of the reports from hospitals pegged me as hopeless and a lost cause. I know it’s not the people that actually knew me. I know there’s info missing from there about my improvements, but I can’t shake it… or maybe it’s just that therapy had been difficult lately. Maybe it’s that the lines about my hopelessness confirm my worst fears about myself. Maybe it’s that I don’t trust TL to know what she’s talking about when she tries to refute what it says based on what she has seen in me… maybe it’s my lack of sleep.
Must remind myself Dr C disagrees, and the info from PIW is not there. De seemed to disagree also, and I trusted her opinion (even though she got overwhelmed with her work and left). D’s notes also did not agree with the “hopeless” diagnosis, so maybe I just need to keep writing that and saying it, and reminding myself of it, because they were the people that worked closest with me. If they didn’t give up hope, I shouldn’t either. I just got stuck with a bunch of people at the hospitals that couldn’t believe meds would not help. They didn’t listen that therapy was needed more so than drugs and containment. They ignored the fact that dbt triggered me incredibly, and still tried to keep me going back (the only day program I was ever booted from multiple times for “regression; hospitalized”… maybe just seeing that on paper after every admission to dbt will help my case for saying it’s not a good treatment choice for me. PIW was the only place that helped.  So there’s proof that things can get better with the right treatment. I just have to keep fighting for the right treatment (It’s such an exhausting fight)…