it’s almost here

Today was my second to last appointment with De.  I’m glad I wrote stuff for her to read before, because I couldn’t figure out how to say what I needed to while I was there.  She walked me through some ideas on how to deal with the down time (though it wasn’t quite what I had hoped. I had wanted to make up a schedule and things that I am expected to do, but she just left it at a coping skills list and I wasn’t able to say that I had hoped for more).  Then she indulged me by showing me my chart.  I pretty much knew what would be in there, but I needed to hear it from her.  My head sometimes comes up with things even though I know that it would be unlikely.  She showed me the intake, copies of the handouts she had given to me, the checklists she had to complete, the assessments we had done, and she read some examples of the notes she had written.  She asked if it was what I had expected. I told her I figured it was that kind of stuff, and that the notes would be as vague as they were because it’s pretty much standard across agencies for confidentiality reasons.  It gave enough info to convey what we had done, but not enough to give away too much information should any records be summoned to court (they are the county sexual assault services center as well as a child protective services branch, so records often go to court, lawyers, police, etc).  They are also audited by the national accreditation agency, and supervisors see the files.  I knew there would be no judgement either way, just objective statements, but I needed to hear that.  My head had been getting too loud with the negative judgements I have towards myself.  It was getting mixed up with what I knew she would be writing…

She also told me that she had spoken with the clinical director at the new agency. She was able to give a better picture than just the intake would, and she said she advocated for me getting someone who “is not scared of self-harm” and someone who would not switch over again before I moved.  From what she told me, she gave a pretty accurate picture of what we had done, what has been helpful, and what some of my obstacles are.  Because I have been so caught up on “I should know better” lately, she made it a point to convey that, while I have a background in all this and I can be pretty insightful, it does not mean I necessarily know how to apply it to myself.  I’m really appreciative of that, because it’s so hard to explain to a clinician that yes, I can spout all this theory, insight, and planning, but I can’t always implement it… and it makes me feel like crap. If I’m so good at this with others, why the heck can’t I figure shit out for myself?!  De was gentle in reminding me all clinicians are actually human also. We have our struggles and weaknesses.  We have our bad days (or in my case, bad decades). And we all reach out for help at some point either because we are stumped about a client or about our own lives.  I guess it’s along the same lines of MD’s sometimes needing to seek out medical attention from someone else. :sigh: If I could figure out/remember how to fix myself in the moment, I certainly would…

Anyway, she asked if there was anything else I wanted to cover.  I told her I had “wanted to show her some more art, but…” She offered to go the full hour, and I was able to say that I didn’t necessarily want to talk about any or all of it.  She still expressed interest, so I handed her the newer art journal.  It wasn’t as full as the WTJ, but still had stuff I wanted her to see.  I wished we had time to talk about it because some of it came up after a difficult session last week.  I guess that will have to wait to be talked about with someone down the line, I’m just not sure who and when because it’s still very raw and vulnerable and very much wrapped up in the past.  I’m not sure I can go into some of that stuff with someone else anytime soon (though it is something that is with me daily).  I just don’t know if I want to take that risk again knowing that whomever I end up seeing at this agency will definitely be time-limited to only a few months.  It’s too raw to be able to trust enough to go into in such a short time-frame…

We wrapped up… she reminded me Tuesday will be our last session… I know.  trust me, I know.  Part of me wishes she had asked why my answer was what it was when she asked how I felt about the upcoming break in services. Part of me is happy I didn’t have to go there with her… I really need to be able to figure out how to say goodbye by Tuesday.  I had written something out, but I don’t think it says what I want it to. I at least have the weekend to mull it over and try to come up with something better.  I did write to her asking to not let me leave on Tuesday without being able to say goodbye though…

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