Tired

Depression is so incredibly tiring. I took benadryl last night to help me sleep.  It had me in a fog for the better part of 20 hours after taking it. Medications don’t work for me. Nothing helps this. I don’t know what else to do. I’m about to hit that lag time between my current therapist and whomever I will see after. I don’t know what to do with myself. The only reason I have gotten out of bed in the last 2 weeks had been therapy (because there was accountability and a brief moment of safety from even my thoughts, because she was safe to sit with). I’m so tired of all this.  I’m tired of investing myself.  I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of trusting. I’m tired of hurting. The pain is not anything I can adequately describe.
I never thought I’d be on this end of things. I used to be able to handle changes, even relish them. Now I want to hide away from it all. I never thought I’d need this much help getting through everything.  I had always thought I’d be helping others with their struggles. But now mine swallow me up whole… my chest feels like it’s going to cave in at any minute. There’s a black hole smack in the middle of my ribs, and it’s sucking all the life out of me. I’m so tired of this…

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