Distance and early a.m. ramblings

L had called yesterday and we talked. I was able to be a bit more present with her for a while,  then my head was “off to the races”. I find that it happens a lot lately.

I was explaining the dissociation to someone, and I tried to explain why simple grounding techniques don’t work. I’m so adept at functioning outwardly sometimes that I can speak and act as if I were present, but my head is a whirlwind. I can walk through basic grounding exercises that should bring me back to a room, but they don’t.  I can hold conversations and tell you all about the objects in the room, or how the chair feels on my body. The whole while, I’m speaking from miles away. The first time I was able to articulate the distance was to D last year.  I had just started seeing him, and something panicked me.  He tried the grounding. I told him it wasn’t working. I was afraid he’d be mad, but he asked me to describe it. It felt like my mouth and body were on autopilot. I was able to try to describe remaining disconnected. It felt like my brain and my eyes were very far away. It felt like I was just doing what he asked because I felt like I had to. It was very weird. I was at once terrified of him but feeling safe with him.  I felt like I had to be honest, but I couldn’t pull myself back into the room out of fear. I remember hearing myself tell him that everything my body and my mouth were doing in that moment was because someone thought it was appropriate in the moment, but I wasn’t connected to it. “I” remained floating and hiding in the background somewhere.

It had been a new experience then. Prior to that, I had not been aware of any split.  I wonder how much of it had to do with starting to trust him, but still having a huge fear of him simply based on the fact that he was a man. I think part of it was based on prior experiences of having to do what I was told, but recognizing that it still didn’t feel totally safe… I wish I had this insight back then.  Maybe we could have worked through it a bit…

Some of the disconnect is similar even now, but I think I’m less aware of it. I don’t feel compelled to admit to De the extent of the disconnect when we work on grounding. I can tell her whether I’m back or not sometimes when she asks, but I don’t feel the fear of coming back completely, I simply don’t all come back… hmm… stuff to address at some point with someone…

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