While I have fallen back into being up north during this brief vacation, L and I are glaringly at very different paces. I feel a frantic pressure to see everyone and do everything before my departure on Tuesday morning. L is taking her time, getting back into the groove of things, and planning for the coming weeks. I feel bad unintentionally putting all this pressure on her. I want to be able to go out and visit friends, eat at our favorite restaurants, and check out my “old stomping grounds” in this very short 4 days we have left. I hurried trying to settle the car, I am making plans with friends and putting it on the calendar. The pressure is rubbing off on her. I don’t feel like just sitting around doing nothing. The nap we took today (while very much-needed and appreciated) felt like a waste of time. I need to be engaged and actively doing things because I want to cram SO MUCH into these few short days. Like I said, I feel bad about pressuring her. L is working on the time-table of remaining here where she can see friends and family as she pleases. If it doesn’t get done this weekend, it can happen next weekend. And I think she might be trying to slow time. Neither of us is looking forward to my departure… I hope the interim months go by quickly and we can get things settled so I can move up. As much as I love the semi-tropics, the beach, and the friends and family down south, I really miss here also. I miss the mountains and the hiking with the dogs. I miss seeing our friends and getting together just to hang out for a few hours. I miss seeing the kids. I will really miss L when I go back. In the almost 6 years we have been together, we have never been apart for more than 2 weeks, and even that was peppered with brief stays at home between my myriad of hospitalizations. This is the first time we will voluntarily and “healthfully” be spending time apart. It’s a little daunting.
In preparation for the return, I have been eyeballing houses with “for sale” signs on them in hopes we can swing a “rent-to-own” situation with one. The prospect of settling once again is appealing. I like the idea of trying to get our lives back on track. The thought of having to work again full-time is a bit nerve-wracking, but this whole environment is generally healthier for me, so it should be doable. The memories are quieter here (they did not originate here). I find it easier to fall back into a groove of trying to be productive. My head and heart feel lighter away from all those triggers at home (the physical environment). It feels emotionally easier to breathe, even if it’s just because I’m only visiting at the moment.
Anyway, it’s glaringly obvious that our heads are on different schedules. We will make it work though. I keep trying to remind myself to slow down, and L is very accommodating about my urgent need to do everything all at once. I know we will get through these changes in one piece.