Daily Archives: April 23, 2014

a need to be occupied

I find when things start to get hairy, I feel the need to be occupied by something or other 24/7.  Earlier today we had gone out with friends to a local museum/gardens. Then L was asked to come in to work 2 hours early (making it an over-night shift), so she had to go to bed by about 5pm.  I find myself bored and in need of something to occupy my thoughts.  The house is SO quiet right now (except for the dogs occasionally barking).   M’s not big on conversation, so the human contact is at a minimum.  I really want to watch tv or something, but she dislikes the noise.  I’m not really sure what to do with myself.  I know if I head to the art room, the dogs will get antsy and make more noise than they already are.  Yet I feel like I need to engage in something.  Everything at my disposal easily leads to boredom.  I could take the kids for a walk, but all 5 dogs by myself is kinda killer (when “the puppy” walks with us, competition to get ahead ensues.  everyone else has since figured out that I lead the pack and they need to walk with me, but he fights me for that status when the others are around.  the walk then turns to me being dragged behind 5 dogs running in slightly different directions.  I don’t think my arms and shoulders can stand that at the moment).

I put music on in the background, but I’m plugged into the computer… Figures this would be the moment the puppy decides he needs to pee… Well, at least I was able to get all the dogs out to potty before the frogs came out for the night (saves my arm, much like not walking them all at once does).  That took care of about 10 minutes.  Now what?

I’ve noticed that there are times I need to be entertained; to keep my head occupied so the less-desirable obsessions don’t float to the surface.  I’ve really been struggling with self-harm thoughts and urges these last few weeks.  I’ve been doing ok keeping them at bay, but they are stubborn.  I’m trying to be more stubborn.  It’s difficult though.  Really difficult.  I keep finding nothing soothes them for very long, and that I need to keep occupied at all times so they don’t overwhelm me.  The Wreck This Journal had helped for about a week but I find I’m losing steam in it.  The paper cranes helped yesterday, but I can’t bring myself to do more today.  Being out at Morikami helped today, but it’s over now.  I want to watch more Grey’s Anatomy.  Maybe that would help keep me distracted for a while.  But I have to wait till M goes to bed.  It would stress her out way too much (and she hates most tv programs).

I’m not quite sure what else to do with myself.  I may draw or try collaging later if Grey’s doesn’t catch my attention for long.  I need to stay with the dogs to head off most of their barking (so L can sleep some before work). Maybe the music will make the web surfing bearable…

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