Daily Archives: April 7, 2014

“It’s 3am I must be lonely…”

The title has nothing to do with this post, but the song popped into my head when I looked at the time just now…

I’m wide awake again; have been since 1. Too much is going on in my head. At the same time it’s nothing. There are thoughts that meander through but are gone as soon as I think them. It’s worries and fears and clutter. I want to curl up into a corner and hide under a blanket. I want to cry for no real reason at all. I’m feeling very small. I’m not quite sure what to do with that. Part of me wants to talk to De about stuff, but it’s nothing specific. It’s nothing and everything. I want to be able to be vulnerable and grown up at the same time. But all I feel is vulnerable. I am grown up, but it doesn’t feel that way.  I feel like I need to prove to someone that I can handle “grown up” things even though I’m not grown up (Only I am, so it makes things confusing)… like I said, I feel very small. And helpless (or powerless?) Because I should know what to do but I don’t.  Very much a small kid feeling, but not the small kid I was. Or at least not the small kid I don’t remember being (the few times I do remember being a kid, I knew what to do; had to have confidence in my decisions). It’s also weird because I don’t know exactly what I feel like I should know how to do. It’s just a feeling of being small and wishing I didn’t have to struggle to figure things out. It feels like a kid who is stuck making a big decision though an adult should be making it. But there’s no concept of what that decision should be, or why I feel like this. Gotta love the middle-of-the-night weirdness that goes on.  It’s as if the daylight keeps things in better perspective, but night time is free reign for my brain to mess with me. I should be hiding under some dense bushes with a fox… I’m not sure why that image popped into my head.
L will be up in half an hour to go to work. At least then I’ll have some company while she is getting ready. Or maybe my brain will finally shut off and I’ll fall asleep before then.  I don’t know. The little kid feeling is gone. That’s good. It was unsettling…
I’m worried about the changes to come, and the inevitable losses. I don’t like loss. I don’t deal with it, just stuff it away so the past ones burst out with each new loss… you’d think I have figured out by now that this is not productive. Clearly no one told my head.
I may try to sleep a bit, or cuddle the dog, or both.  She moved closer to my leg and I can feel her shuddering. I don’t know if it’s because she is chilly (the fan is on and she is right under it) or because she’s hurting. I hope it’s from the cold because I can fix that… (It’s now 5 a.m. and she must have just been cold. I covered her in my part of the blanket and she stopped shaking).