Daily Archives: April 5, 2014

Well, that wasn’t what I expected…

Today was another really long day. After therapy (nothing too exciting or interesting), we had about an hour to kill before picking up a friend at the airport. I decided it might be cool to see the display that my piece is in.  We drove over (didn’t realize it was only about 5 blocks from where De’s office is). It was a mixed bag of emotions for me. There were a bunch of really moving pieces, and some that made me sad-angry… L took pictures of them, and I just looked at everything. They told stories and gave hope. I’m not sure how many people actually took the time to look at it though. Part of me wanted to ask the people walking by what they thought of it all, but another part of me wanted to hide. L was just as moved by everything if her comments were any indication. I wanted to find the other artists and make everything safe for them. I wanted to fix all the broken little pieces. I wanted to give the little ones their childhood back. I wanted to give the older ones their lives back. I wanted to make everything better. I felt out of place. I wanted to be the care-taker… I spent a bit of time just staring at my piece because it looked so foreign to me. I suddenly didn’t connect to it at all. But at the same time I wanted to rip it off the wall and tear it to pieces… there was definitely two very opposing emotions playing out inside me. I wanted to help, to yell at people to pay attention. But I also felt very small and just wanted to hide from the world. I suddenly didn’t want anyone knowing anything there was mine. I felt ashamed and scared… I kept switching back and forth between those two emotions… I wish more people took this kind of thing seriously.
The desire to hide came about again later in the afternoon when L showed my friend a picture of the piece.  She started to ask about it, and I couldn’t look up from my lunch plate. I felt so vulnerable. It’s weird because this friend happens to be an ex, and she knows the basics of what happened. She knows this is part of my history, but suddenly being faced with speaking about even just the art made me feel small and exposed. She didn’t ask more about it (or if she did, L answered because I have no memory of talking more about it).
Speaking of this friend, I wish we had gotten the chance to hang out some more.  As it was, we saw her for about 3 hours between picking her up at the airport, going to lunch, and heading out to drop her off at her brother’s house. I’ve only seen her a handful of times in the last few years, but it only seemed awkward these last 2 visits. L and I try not to pry too much, but she always seems unhappy or distracted with work (she was on the phone or checking work email about half the time we spent together. I would have not felt so brushed-off if she had been talking to her wife, but work while on vacation seems excessive). I guess it makes sense for her personality, but it was still a bit frustrating.  Maybe the awkward brought about the work obsession? I was trying to figure out if L or I said anything to make her feel unwelcome. If we did, I wish she would have pointed it out…
Anyway, it was good to see her and spend some time catching up again.
Oh, cute and only somewhat related:a momma duck had situated her nest under the bushes right outside the restaurant. The eggs hatched today and she had cute little fuzzies tucked under her when we went. I managed to snag a picture, but it’s mostly mom complaining about us getting too close. She hid the kids under her.


I think L got a better picture of the babies, but I’m not sure. She was very protective of them.  I hope they do ok, because that’s a really busy restaurant in a really busy retail area. The closest water is quite a ways away.