The funny thing about logic is that it is not very convincing to our emotions when we feel so fearful of losing someone or something.
I keep trying to remind myself that sometimes emotions can drown out the logic… I think I’m driving De nuts with my incessant neediness and desperate bid to be reassured that she will not drop me before the move. I know I’m driving myself nuts (come to think of it, I don’t think she knows the half of the battles in my head about the fear of losing her too. I think I’ve only actually mentioned it to her once, but torture myself regularly with it)… it’s funny how my head can blow things way out of proportion.
I’m also trying to convince myself to let J in on what she had meant to L and I over the past year. I never want to let people in for fear of rejection and more hurt, but I regret it every time. I know L wants to tell J how much she had meant to us, but I don’t know if I can articulate it well enough. It would make me want to cry, and I desperately hate crying. I hate being vulnerable. Like I wrote to De the other day, I either know how to be totally together, or totally needy and helpless. I have not found a middle-ground yet. Maybe opening up to J about what this loss feels like will be a good step? I don’t know for sure, but I do know that not saying a proper goodbye hurts more and longer than having closure. I think I will write that stuff down, and have L do the same, because we have a great way of avoiding things with J, and she tends to go along for the ride. Since next week will be our last session, I want to make sure we don’t miss the opportunity to say goodbye. It will suck, but I know it needs to happen. I wish I still had that article written by an old mentor’s husband on the importance of proper termination in therapy, and proper closure in relationships in general. He stressed the importance of saying “goodbye” even if you would see the person or place again, because it would not be under the same circumstances. Dr J made a huge thing about saying goodbye to people and places upon graduation. She stressed to her interns the importance of termination in therapy. I think that needs to be stressed everywhere. Too many people avoid goodbyes because they are painful in the moment. They forget that the pain then intensifies as time goes on because closure was denied… if I could go back and get closure to every significant relationship that was denied it, today’s pain would be less. It doesn’t negate the loss, but it cushions it. To this day I regret not having a proper goodbye with both my aunt and uncle. I regret not having a goodbye with my high school best friend. I regret not having it with my college roommates and friends. I regret pushing people away because it hurt too much in the moment. Maybe what I need to ask for from De is not a promise not to leave before my move, but the promise to get a proper goodbye whenever that may be… I asked for it once when I worried that I would be too unstable to continue with her and she had said yes. I think I just need reassurance that I’ll get one before we end no matter when that is.