I’m THAT asshole

Yes, I hate him. But I hate myself more for what I allow him to bring out in me.

I had it out with G today. I lost my shit and screamed at him (literally. At the top of my lungs). I told him how much I hated him and how he is just like his sister. I told him to fuck off more times than I care to admit.  I told him I wished his plane crashed.  I told him I wished he’d step in front of a truck… that was over 6 hours ago. The only thing I feel bad about is that I allow him to get me so angry. If it were still up to me, I would not have any contact with him at all. He would still be banished from my world, but because we moved in with mom and she allows him to stay here sometimes, I have to see him. I really do hate him. I really am sick of his shit. Maybe I don’t wish him dead, but I wish to never see him again. Maybe he’ll get the hint and stop trying to talk to me now ever again (mind you his sister still tries despite years of ignoring or cursing out, so he may not give up either, but a girl can hope)…
Anyway, I’m glad he’s gone.  He’s staying at a hotel tonight and will leave to the airport from there. Good riddance.
But back to that part about hating myself: I hate that I give him so much power over me.  The speeches to myself after the fight involved a shit-ton of arguing with the voice in my head that said I needed to cut or be reckless. I kept reminding myself that he is not worth the consequences to those actions no matter how much relief I think they may bring in the moment. It took a lot of back and forth with my head, but I had read De’s note earlier in the day, and kept reciting it to myself
(Last session, we had also talked about the negative voices.  She put down on a sticky that I am worth arguing with those voices. Even if I don’t believe it myself, I know L had said it before, and now De wrote it down for me.  I owe it to them to at least make an attempt to listen)…

Today’s blow-out with G also really scared mom and L… I feel bad.  I never wanted to be that person. Turns out, I am that person more times than not.  I scare them with my anger.  I scare people with my depression. I just scare people.  And I hate that. I’m sorry. Like I said, that’s the last person I wanted to be… :sigh: I have a lot of growing and working to do. I will still forever hate G and his bullshit meddling, but I need to not let myself get out of control in response to him (or anyone else).


4 responses to “I’m THAT asshole

  • dharmagoddess

    Sometimes enough is enough. Sure, we’d all like to handle things in the best possible way, all of the time, but being human kind of makes that rough sometimes. Go easy on yourself. The bottom line is that setting boundaries is really difficult and you did that.

    • Samantha Jane

      Thanks. Though I should have been better about it. what’s done is done. And if I get the added bonus of never having to see him again, I’ll take it. I just hate that I allowed that side of me to show. Boundaries are definitely a hard thing…

      • dharmagoddess

        I really understand what you mean by hating to show that side of yourself…it’s so draining and not at all what you want to be or know you can be, *for yourself*. From my perspective, having that feeling just means I can distinguish the way I would like to act vs. a primal, self-preserving reaction. Just knowing the difference is huge! There is definitely a positive to be recognized.
        Hang in there kiddo!

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