Daily Archives: February 24, 2014

taking risks: coming out about sexual assault and a Vagina interview…

so, despite my nagging fear, I “came out” as having a sexual assault history on fb… I had posted the progression of my picture to give to De, and someone kept asking about it until I finally came out with what it’s for… it’s buried in the comments of that one photo, but it’s there for the world to see.  Eek!  I was thinking of explaining the piece once it was done, and I may well still do that, but I didn’t expect to say anything before hand.  Oh well…

another risk I took came in the form of a response to someone else’s blog.  Pride in Madness did a blog on her responses to the questions asked in The Vagina Monologues.  I responded in the comments section of that blog, but part of me feels the need to expand on some of it.

Um, I would answer this in my own blog, but I’m not sure… hoping it gets lost in the comments section of yours… but I’ve got a slightly different take on things:
If your vagina got dressed, what would it wear?
barbed wire and razor blades… but for my wife, a lacy black thing to make up for the need for barbed wire and razor blades…

If your vagina could talk, what would it say, in two words?
yes! no! (or: I hate you! please don’t go…)

About menstruation…
horrifically triggering most months… it all brings about body memories of being assaulted or violated. Cramps often feel like the sensation of being assaulted.  it triggers emotions that I am not always aware of until afterwards.  It can send me into a tail-spin before I know what’s happening.  Even when I know I’m going to get my period, it takes me a few days to figure out why everything feels like it’s crashing.  It wasn’t always this way.  There was a time while I lived up north that the triggers faded and I could get through months without having flashbacks, but I guess places can hold memories too… Like De said, the house screams all the time, especially with these memories.

What does a vagina smell like?
deliciousness ;)

What does your vagina remind you of?
a lot of the time these last few years, it’s reminded me of being assaulted and violated.

What’s special about your vagina?
it’s been through hell and back, but it’s still ticking… it holds pain and pleasure in equal parts.  I have a love-hate relationship with it.  It’s betrayed me more than I’d care to remember. it has also been wonderful at times.  I want more wonderful back though.

 

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so, this showed up in my drafts after I frantically searched yesterday to no avail… I guess it’s not as good as I had thought… If you care to read it, this is take one.

Not quite sure what to write, but I feel like I have not posted anything meaningful in my own words lately… Things are… um, I’m not sure.  Had some ups, but mostly downs or leveling out.

We were talking about something else in session this week, and De described this house as “screaming” every day, all day.  She used it in reference to the memories and triggers that are a daily reminder here.  She also meant it literally (no amount of saging the house seems to be able to lift the anger that exists here).  I have always pictured these two houses (I grew up just down the street, this house belonged to my aunt and uncle before they passed) with huge, heavy iron bars on the windows; not to keep anyone out, but that keeps me (us) trapped here.  It also traps all the negative energy. The house screams silently itself while those inside scream for real.  It’s angry and sad and tortured.  The dogs can feel this very palpable presence.  They all jump and start and fright at the slightest trigger. The cats seem miserable (4 have moved out and refused to return over the years, 2 live most of their time outside).  In all the years of having been away, I somehow forgot how much of a black hole this house is… I feel trapped again. L feels trapped again.  We need to change that somehow, but we are not sure how.

I’m still trying to work on that piece for De.  April is coming up fast.  I’m on “take 3” and I think I may finally like this one.  I got the girl to a point where I’m happy with the way she turned out.  I’m also liking the way I managed to paint the adult.  I just have to finish the adult’s arms, and the pieces she is picking up.  I was going to do a background, but I am not sure I will push my luck with this one.

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