take 2 of take 3

I had a post all written out, then I accidentally got rid of it by reloading the page when all I meant to do was add a picture… oops…

I don’t really feel like re-writing it, so I will just upload the picture.  It’s the third take on my picture for De.  April is coming up fast, and I want to get this piece in to her.  I just have to finish the arms of the adult, and the pieces she is picking up… I was going to have a background originally, but I don’t want to push my luck with the piece.  When I’m finished with this one, I will put up all three versions (all different in a few ways) and explain the different meanings.

wpid-PicsArt_1393214059745.jpg

Last session, De had described this house as screaming (with memories of the past, and flashbacks…)  I added that it literally screams with anger most days.  I really connected with her description, and I wanted to record that… It had been better-written in the first version of this post, but like I said, I’m not in the mood to write all that out again.  Things are all churning in my head, but I am not sure how to communicate what that really means.  The past is screaming at me.  The house is screaming.  My fears of what the future will be like are screaming, and it’s all very loud right now.  I’m trying to work it out through art, within myself, and figure out how to process things with De.  It’s all just a jumble right now.  Hopelessness is sneaking back in, but I am not supposed to indulge it.  I’m a bit at a loss with how that is accomplished, but I’m trying.  L and I both have a lot of stressors brewing, but I feel like I can’t talk about mine because I feel like I only ever talk in circles about it (and because I don’t really know all of what it is). It has kept me from writing much, from reaching out, and from communicating.  It’s really difficult to communicate when you have no idea what you are trying to say.  I know a lot has to do with finances.  Some has to do with work (or lack there-of), G coming down in 2 days for a 7 day stay (please shoot me?), and my judgements/fears/hopelessness around having to utilize disability… Part of me really wants to say I’m good to go back to work right now, but there’s the doubt yelling loudly.  It tells me that things will never be ok for me, I will never again be able to hold down a job, I will be worthless and useless the rest of my life.  It whispers my failures over and over again.  It points out how things always go wrong shortly after they go right… It beckons me to throw up my hands, curl into a little ball, and fade from life…  I just wish I hadn’t ruined life for so many people. I’m sorry…

I think it’s time to go to bed (not that there’s much relief there. I die in my dreams just about every night.  Sometimes multiple times a night.  ugh).  Anyway, I’m shutting up.  Sorry if you actually read this far.  It was rather a poor post…

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