I’m not quite sure what to call this, so for the moment, the title is blank.
I left both individual and couple’s therapy wanting to cry, but for different reasons. De and I covered a lot fo stuff; hard stuff. I realized after I left that I didn’t want to think too hard about my eating because it’s replacing the self-injury. When she was talking about coming up with a healthier, more regular eating schedule, the little voice inside me begged her not to “take that away too”… I think the fear of relapse is playing heavy on my mind lately. It’s almost been too good to be true to finally be free of the constant and debilitating depression. I don’t want to lose that momentum. If the weird (though not an eating disorder) food schedule keeps me away from the cutting. It’s also a function of being frustrated with food choices, and coffee filling me up. Anyway, I left De’s office wanting to cry my eyes out. I told her that before I left, and she asked if I wanted to “sit with that for a few minutes”. I declined saying I was more in the mood to ignore it all when inside I was sarcastically remarking that it would take more than a few minutes to address… Oh, she also mentioned wanting me to do a sleep study to figure out when I sleep best, and maybe how to get me back to a better sleep schedule. I’m not sure how she expects that to happen, but I guess we can talk about it again later.
I also showed her my progress on the piece I want to give her for the display. I will be re-doing it a third time beccuase I feel like I messed up too much stuff on this second one also. She said that even the “crappy” versions were really good. I don’t see what she sees. I see all the little flaws and places where I meant to do it differently. My mind blacks out any “good” aspects to it and focuses on all that is wrong. In this second one I messed up the little girl’s face and arms and hands. It bothers me too much to hand it in. She went from looking 7 to 97… I did add an element the first one did not have though: the adult cut her hands on the shards that she was picking up. De asked how I felt about that, what I thought that adult was feeling. I said she was scared because she didn’t want ot keep getting hurt. De pointed out that she’s still continuing to do it despite the fear and being hurt by it. I guess she’s got a point… Still working on picking up the pieces even though it’s scary and painful.
I left couple’s therapy on Friday a bit pissed, but also quite defeated. J had called us “lazy”. I felt like that was a huge slap in the face despite all the progress I feel we have been making. No, it’s not the progress she wants to see us make, but it’s progress none-the-less. L and I talked a lot about it on the way home. I think it’s something we need to address with J; we are on very different pages about what L & I’s goals should be. J is focused on the financial and work piece, while L and I are focused on the personal growth & growth-as-a-couple pieces… She wants us to come up with goals (didn’t we just do this a few months ago in the form of a treatment plan?) and start making steps towards them by next week. I think she’s smoking crack. We did take a large step and lower our cell phone bill by switching carriers (ok, so the new carrier is rated as one of the absolute worst companies by some influential ranking source, but we needed out of our seemingly never-ending contract loop with the old carrier). We have new phones (really the same as our old ones, but new handsets that work on said new carrier) and 4 lines and we still are saving about $100 a month without any long-term contracts involved. The only catch is that we have to stay with them for at least 6 months with all 4 lines which is really quite do-able. So there J, how do you like them apples?!
On another note, I have been messing around more with my art. I’m really happy I have the time to do this… now, to maybe be happy with something I produce…