giant, huge, enormous walls

I managed to sit for 5 minutes today (at L’s insistence and with the help of a timer).  I could not stop my mind from racing and jumping and just generally running amuck to escape trying to be still.  This lack of “stillness” is causing huge walls to barricade me from any progress in therapy.  When I try to sit and just “rest” without thinking of a million and one things, my head resists, and I don’t end up with much effort put forth in changing that.  I think I have grown lazy.  I just don’t put much effort into anything anymore.  I do what I want, when I want, and without much regard to anyone else.  It’s messing with me & L, and I’m sure it’s messing with me & mom.  I need to take a step back.  I need to re-evaluate what I’m doing with my life.  I need to step up and return to volunteering (at least it forced me to do something).   I need to stop being so selfish and self-absorbed.  And I need to stop running from myself.  The world will not come tumbling down if I stop running from whatever it is I’m afraid of facing.  I have supports, and I have resources (albeit not the best ones) for extra support if needed.  I just need to stop and breathe.  I need to not only remind myself of this, but also put it into practice.  I think I have inadvertently given myself permission to slack off way too much.  Time to kick things into gear again and start working.  I not only have a ton of work to do in therapy, I have a ton of other things to do as well (art, animal care, cleaning…).  Just because I don’t currently hold a paying job does not mean I can allow myself to continue to be this dead-beat wife.  Get off your fat, lazy ass and do something already.  Take the dogs for walks, clean the house, find the missing cat, work on training, work on art, try to find a part-time job.  Get over yourself and DO something! (just don’t crumble, coz then you are truly worthless).


9 responses to “giant, huge, enormous walls

  • silverliningsproject

    I found a mindfulness CD that helps me sit and just be, without all those racing thoughts. Let me know if you’re interested.

    • Samantha Jane

      I have a few, but they request a half hour of time, which I can’t necessarily devote. I’m always open to other suggestions for good ones though. What is yours called?

      • silverliningsproject

        Mine is Mindfulness, a practical guide to finding peace in a frantic world, by Prof Mark Williams. It is a book that comes with a CD, and most meditations are under 19 minutes (some are just 3 minutes, I do them on the bus). I found it the best self help book ever, but that’s just my opinion 😉

      • Samantha Jane

        Thanks. I will look into it. I like the idea of shorter ones. 🙂

      • silverliningsproject

        It is so hard to just sit if it’s nor something you’re used to or like, and he has a great voice! He’s also very reassuring, you can’t do it wrong, you don’t need to quiet your mind etc. Hope you like it.

      • Samantha Jane

        Cool. Thank you. L has some she got from her therapist, but I find his voice creepy (I tried it once and couldn’t get past the way his voice sounded). I’m glad the one you suggested doesn’t have you quieyinf your mind. That can be really difficult for me sometimes. The one i have that I really like (but is long) is Your Present: a half hour of peace by Susie Mantell. There’s some great imagery in it (and i realized it inspired one of my art projects that i have yet to put together)… but yeah, it’s long. I can only do that one if i want to sleep.

      • silverliningsproject

        I’ll look that one up, thank you 🙂

  • cptsd2013

    I have one from therapy as well that takes about 5 minutes. There are some that last 40 minutes (!!!).
    I don’t think you’re worthless/lazy.
    Take care!

    • Samantha Jane

      Cool. Yeah, the five minute ones are good on the go. The lower ones are good for more times.
      Thanks. Sometimes i feel really worthless… underscored lately by my brother being here (both parents treat him like he can do no wrong, while i do everything wrong)…

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