Well, after looking forward really badly to seeing De today, my defenses were up and we talked about a whole lot of nothing. I told her how I had basically just shut down after my disclosure to her back before the holidays. She tried to get me thinking, but my brain was like a little kid not wanting to leave the beach – he dug his heels in and refused to budge. Pictures of planning for my “new to me” fish tank came flying through my brain. I told her, so we talked more about the fear of re-hashing things. She emphasized again that the worst is behind me. Still, all I could picture between visions of planting ideas for the tank was this scrawny little boy with huge dark circles under his eyes, digging his heels into the wet sand, and screaming in protest. (I think that will end up being an art project). Every time I saw him, fear coursed through me and “his” thinking of not wanting to go back to that abuse flashed through my head. I told her about the idea of a kid digging their heels in and not wanting to go (in my head, I was pulling his arm and shoving him forward). De reminded me to try walking him gently along the sand, staying on the wetter sand so our feet don’t burn. I still wanted to shove him forward, and no amount of rationalizing that it would probably make him feel safer if I was more gentle worked to change the picture in my brain. Maybe next week I’ll have worked up to coaxing him along instead of forcing him. De seems to be ok just doing the “process” piece of things (talking about the feelings and the concept of talking or thinking about things). She said we can work towards more content down the line. This week, she wants me to try to talk to L about the fears and what talking about all this stuff to De would be like. She doesn’t want me to worry about the details of things, but the emotions behind it (sometimes that can be scarier but I guess she is hoping L is a safe-enough person for me to start opening up to). She also wants me to work up to maybe telling her (or expressing in some way) the stuff I had on my list to talk about but that I tabled for the time being. She thinks it may be a good place to start. I’m not sure how well I will be able to talk about it, it’s not something I really like to bring up because it tends to be a taboo topic in most cultures. I guess I will give it a try throughout the week and see what comes of it.
Anyway, after leaving De, I dragged L out to the pet store to get some plants for the above-mentioned tank. I found 2 that I liked and was able to purchase. I’m still looking for moss with which to cover the back wall, but these will do for now. I’m not sure what the bottle-brush looking thing is, but I know the one with the broader leaves is a java fern. I also have a waterlily bulb in there, and a red mangrove seed. The waterlily bulb is from the canal out back, and the red mangrove seed is from the beach. I split the bunch of the mystery plant into individual stalks, and I separated the 2 java ferns. I hope they take root well and grow in nicely. I’m hoping to get some christmas tree moss for the driftwood, and some other type of blanketing moss for the back wall. I’m also thinking of making a “river” out of the blue gravel from Mighty Mouse’s (the betta) old tank. I’m just not sure how well it will stay in place when I vacuum. (since originally writing this, I was reminded that java fern needs to have the rhizome in the light, so one is now tied to the front branch of the driftwood, and one is tied to a lava rock).
There’s a single betta and 10 ghost shrimp (oh, and the tiny snail that hitched a ride on the bottle-brush looking plant)