I was organizing our art stuff and started playing the music on my phone in shuffle. I hit Miranda Lambert’s “Over You” and it has gotten stuck on infinite repeat. There are just some songs that are worth the incessant playing. I’m not 100% sure what I like about it. I think it’s a combination of the lyrics and the way she sings parts of it. There’s a desperation and… “something” in her voice at times that just triggers something in my brain. It latches on and holds it.
The last few days have been ok. I don’t think I wrote much recently, but that may be because a lot of effort is being exerted on visual expression. I wish I was better at it, but I need to practice again to get back to my drawing level from several years ago. It’s definitely something you lose if you don’t use… I’m also playing a lot with mediums I’ve never worked with (or did so only a very few times). I really want to work more with water colors. They have a feel to them that other paints can’t quite achieve. I just seriously need more practice. I would like to take a class, but we don’t really have the extra cash. I could try learning on my own through videos, but there’s something about being able to ask questions that makes it work better for me. One day…
In the mean time, I will be fooling around with other random stuff. There’s a lot I want to be able to put on paper, but I’m not quite sure how. I guess it will take a lot of trial and error.
Random “weird” thought of the moment: I was getting gas and checking a stack of lottery tickets from the last few weeks. The guy asked if I had felt lucky. I responded with “No, life hates me…” The woman at the next register said that I was still alive and breathing, so life must not hate me that much. My automatic response was “Exactly! Life hates me.” I didn’t realize what I had said until I saw the look on his face (combination of pity and disgust I think). It wasn’t even like I have been depressed all that much lately. I think all those years of living in the dark makes dark things a habit. I’m not suicidal right now. I have no desire to die right now. I might even go so far as to say I have been “happy” lately (ok, maybe that’s more of just “disconnected and slightly hypo-manic” but since I don’t really have bipolar, I will just call it happy and disconnected). The words just tumbled out of my mouth without me realizing. I said them laughingly and with a smile on my face that had been there when I walked into the store… It’s weird how “habits” can carry through even the good times.