Sometimes my body betrays me in more ways than one.
I’m finding an old trigger is returning to trigger status, but for many more reasons than before. I’m not quite sure what to make of it. I had wanted to talk to De about it today, but I think she was just too focused on everything else. She acknowledged that sometimes body functions/happenings can be triggers, but left it at that. I’m not good at re-directing to a topic unless it’s something incredibly urgent (and even then I have a really difficult time if I have to mention it more than twice), so we moved on in the conversation. I don’t know what I wanted from her about it, but it was more than the 2 sentences I hurried through. I know I need to use my coping skills with it and I have been doing that so far. I just wish I could have talked about it more… like what it triggers and why. It goes along with the concept of carrying things alone. I know I could talk to L about it if I really needed to, but it just feels icky. I would prefer talking about it to someone I don’t have to see every day (and maybe De’s training would provide some additional insight).
On another note, L brought up a good point today. I had mentioned how De seems distracted by the program review coming up next week. She had mentioned having to get a ton of paperwork in before the holiday so everything is in order for their accreditation review the following week. I think De had only mentioned the review twice when discussing scheduling, but I want to say it’s my brain making more out of it. I know how stressful it can be to make sure everything looks good on paper. L said that De should not have mentioned the review to me as anything more than a “scheduling issue” to be thrown in with all the other scheduling issues in the coming weeks. I really don’t think she mentioned it in-depth outside of me asking which agency they were being reviewed by. I think it’s me making more of it than she is, but I am starting to question that. Do I get more of the “behind the scenes” disclosures because I can relate to them well? or is my head filling in the blanks? I had not asked for an earlier session next week after the holiday because I know the review is Wednesday. I’m guessing she will want Tuesday to tie up loose ends she doesn’t finish this week. Had she had it available, she would have offered Tuesday when I asked to keep the rest of the month more even (we had scheduled a Friday, then Tuesday, then Friday the following week, then Tuesday again… I did not want to have to go a week and a half so many times). We swapped scheduling around for the rest of December, but she kept next week the way it is… I’m trying to balance being too needy and not getting what I need. I was able to ask for the rest of the month, but now I’m not sure if I had told her to leave next week as is, or if she simply did not offer to change it.
I hate that I get confused about things if they are not written down immediately. Even conversations I have with L disappear into nothingness after we finish speaking. De had asked if L and I had been able to feel more connected this past weekend. I told her I knew we had talked about some stuff, but I could not remember what that stuff was. I know it was along the lines of self-disclosure about the impact the past has on me, but I can’t remember more specifics than that. I can read something and forget what I read shortly after finishing. Sometimes I have the urge to journal about my sessions with De, but if I don’t do it before I leave the parking lot, I forget what was said. I can know the general topics covered but I forget any detail or the outcome. It’s reminiscent of my more complete time loss I used to experience in the past. I would have conversations with people and not remember having seen them in days. There were times I actually “lost” whole days (happened a lot before I moved out-of-state). It hadn’t happened in years though. And the last time I lost whole days (back in 2011) I had been very triggered and unsafe prior to the incident. It’s not back to losing whole days now, but it’s happening again without any real triggers that stand out to me. I don’t like not remembering. I don’t like being so confused. It’s frustrating to answer the question of “How was your week?” with no information older than a day. I’m not sure if this is a side-effect of the depression, or more dissociative stuff due to over-all stress. I know I’m disconnecting from any strong negative emotions, but I don’t want to be disconnecting from my whole life. (De’s not happy with me disconnecting from anything, but whatever. It is what it is at the moment).
Oh, that was another thing: she wants me to do more stuff and not spend the day in bed. I didn’t mean I was literally in bed all day. I just don’t have the energy or drive to do much of anything when everything takes so much energy to start. I did not tell her that I had managed to clean half the snake cages and rearrange one of the lizard cages. She asked if I had followed through on cleaning out the empty lizard cages. I told her I had not, because that was the truth. I forgot to tell her the work that I had done (more memory retrieval issues. I managed to think of it after I had left her office).
Lately, I feel like I’m on meds. In contrast to what the weeks leading up to my inpatient stay were, these 2 weeks have been really mellow and my brain has been mush. I know I’m not taking anything, but the brain-mush feeling and the mellowness is reminiscent of days when I would be on heavier meds during and after a hospitalization. I need to figure out how to kick-start my brain back into action. Maybe it’s just the other phase of the depression. I don;t particularly feel like doing anything, the restlessness is very present, and my concentration sucks… depressed, but not horrifically hopeless…