went to IOP.  was meh.  feeling more meh.  😦

losing hope fast.


I am lovingly reminded by L that I need to ask for help; that people can’t read minds… only I am afraid to ask, so I hope they can read my presentation…

IOP was unproductive because I could not bring myself to ask for help.  I was really triggered by the second group, but I was too worried about saying the wrong thing (or taking the group off track) to open my mouth and say so.  I thought of asking to meet with my case manager, but I chickened out. I was afraid that if I sat in a room alone with someone, I may actually open up… I was afraid of what that would bring.  So instead, I am here feeling shitty.  I’m shutting my wife out because I don’t want to admit even to her how hopeless I feel.  I’m torn between begging for anything that may even remotely help, and hiding away in myself so I don’t splatter on others when I implode (it’s no longer a question of “if” but “when”).  I need to make it through the rest of today and tomorrow.  Wednesday I go back to IOP and try again.  I have told myself that, if I still chicken out on opening up there, I will stop by De’s office on the way home.  It may be easier to ask her for help than a complete stranger.  She had opened the door to that help last week, giving me permission to just show up if I needed to.  If this continues, I will most certainly need to…


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