As distracted as I was able to get for a good chunk of the day, the night brings with it the return of the depression. My chest is heavy and tight. There’s a definite weight on my heart. I’m tired, but having trouble sleeping. I’m worried about the weekend and anxious for Monday.
I went to the orientation for IOP today. I ended up arriving late because for whatever reason my head was convinced I needed to be there at 1, not 12. I realized my error when my phone alarm went off at the 10-minute mark (in the past, I used to set the notification to 15 or 30 minutes, but I got out of the habit for some reason). I called them asking if being that late was ok, then flew out the door. It ended up being a quick overview of the rules and expectations. It did serve to make me a bit more comfortable. I’m just still lost as to how I will get there. I can take our car on Monday, but will need to arrange other transport after that (too far, too much gas, and L needs the car for work). The place seems ok and the people seem nice. I hope that first impression holds true… and I hope the program is actually helpful. I think some of tonight’s anxiety is a rush to get the first day over with. The chest tightness I’m associating with anxiety, the same with the shortness of breath. I need to dig up my inhaler, but I’m too lazy to move from bed just now. Maybe in a few more minutes?
I find my thoughts continually dipping to the darker side of things. It shadows my entire world even when I’m supposed to be out and distracted. There was a restaurant giving away free food at their grand opening. We went and enjoyed the food, but everything was tainted dark. I tried to focus on the positives (the wrap was really yummy). I repeated over and over again that I was enjoying the time with my wife (which I was) but it was not enough to drown out the whispers. I’m hoping tomorrow will bring more success: we have our second meditation group meeting at the Japanese gardens. I really like the place, but I’ve sucked at the meditation exercises we were supposed to do. I will put more effort into it tomorrow…
This struggle is so tiring. I’m ready for the break.