The ramifications of falling apart

De and I came to the conclusion that I need a higher level of care at this time.  We are working on finding something for me, likely a day program locally.  My options are very limited (most intensive programs are focused on thought disorders and not mood disorders. There is nothing that accepts Medicaid that focuses on trauma).

The drawback of needing more intensive treatment: I lose De for a minimum of 6 months. Even though she said we would plan on meeting again in “a few months” the likelihood of that is slim. (I think she will see me until I get in somewhere, but I’m not 100% sure of that). The organization she is with subscribes to the policy of not seeing clients in active crisis under the theory that stability is needed to tackle trauma issues.  While I see the value of this, I find the length of time a bit stupid.  I (intellectually) know why it is there, but I still don’t like it.  All the abandonment stuff is coming up again, and I really don’t want to find anyone else to work with.  At this point however, I have no choice.  At least I can see her Thursday.  Had tonight not been so busy, I doubt I would have been allowed to leave her office for home today… the hopelessness is pervasive and loud.  I have not been able to quiet it despite my best efforts. I just don’t see the point when everything screws up in the end.

I called a bunch of places trying to own up to financial obligations only to find I did not muster the energy in time.  I continually screw things up for myself. I never learn. It sucks… it will never turn out ok.

Anyway, I have an evaluation appointment with the only IOP-level program in the area that deals with mood disorders and accepts Medicaid. I’m worried because it is far away, and they say it’s an average of 8 weeks at three times a week.  I would need help with transportation and I’m not sure they offer it.  If they can’t help out, I need to search for something else.  The resources here are very, very limited. It’s hard enough that most intensive programs offer little by way of therapy, add to that the lack of available Medicaid programs and it all looks very hopeless.  The only intensive trauma-focused program locally had a Medicaid scandal, so they no longer accept it.  I really could use a program like that, but they don’t exist, so tough luck.

I just want to sleep. I’m so tired of all of this. I couldn’t stay stable, so I fucked up things with De (and the potential for growth/recovery was huge there).  It’s all just crumbling… and I’m so tired.  Really hoping something works out. Not really sure what I will do for individual therapy after whatever program I go into.  I’m spent trying to open up again…

Couple’s therapy sucked tonight… It did nothing to make me feel better at all.  And I’m not sure if we addressed any of what needed talking about.  I know we talked for an hour, but I have no real clue what it was we talked about other than J telling me I needed to work at getting better… and that maybe therapy with De had actually come to an impasse.  I think it was just fear messing with me.  My head is terrified of dealing head-on with my trauma, so it does what it does best, and hits self-destruct.  But that also served to yank my support out from underneath me.  Brilliant job SJ.  Brilliant.  Now you’re just f*cked.


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