I can’t figure out how to do the homework De assigned. I try the collage, but I end up staring at the pictures and words without a concept of how to put them together… It makes me incredibly tired, so I go to bed. It doesn’t help that the depression is incredibly strong and it’s clouding my mind. I just want to cry all the time. and sleep (though it helps that our bed smells incredibly wonderful right now, and I don’t want to leave it. Who knew Gain fabric softener could smell so good?!). I want music in my ears, but I’m trying to be more present. I’m not sure how long that will last. We have couple’s counseling later today. I don’t think I’m looking forward to it, but at least I can fake happy for her reasonably well (well enough to keep her from grilling me).
Tomorrow’s our one year anniversary, and that’s the only thing that brings a genuine smile to my face (I noticed it last night when talking about her with the ASL teacher actually made me smile a real, genuine smile when all I had wanted to do all day was cry and cut). I really do love my wife, and she really does mean the world to me. I just hope it can keep cutting through the depression so that we can have a nice day tomorrow. All bets are off before and after… I’m saving my happy for tomorrow.