therapy, teddy bears, beers, and depression

Saw De today. She did most of the talking after acknowledging my shutting down. She tried to help me see that a lot of the stuff is rooted in the past. She wants me to acknowledge and keep in mind that a lot of this reaction is falling into a pattern of the past. I wish I could care right now, but I don;t have the energy. I feel like a fraud and a waste taking her time when there are others who would be better served by her skills.
Other things have been contributing to my depression today (whole cell phone provider fiasco and lack of success finding a suitable replacement. I hate Sprint).
There’s also other thoughts intruding, but trying to keep them in check. So tired. Just want to sell off all the geckos because it would make life easier. The snakes can stay for now, but the geckos need to find a new home. I am neglecting them pretty badly… I made ads for a few of them. There are still a small handful I cannot bare to part with. Contemplating re-homing 4 of the snakes also (a red tail boa, a milk snake and the 2 scaleless rat snakes), but I haven’t settled on that quite yet.
Been drinking a lot lately… not the best coping skill, but better than others…
Even Beary isn’t bringing enough comfort today. I’m losing my temper left and right. I hate myself for it… I fucking hate myself, and all of this shit. I’m surprised more people don;t hate me too… or maybe they do and just haven’t told me yet, but simply slinked off into the distance…

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