I know I was dreaming right until I woke this morning, but I can’t remember what it was about. I know it was “weird” and I know this hollow-but-heavy feeling I have today is from the dream. I can’t shake the wet cement in my chest. It feels at once empty and heavy. I hate this feeling. I wish I knew how to describe it better (maybe figuring out exactly what it is would help leave it behind?). I wish I remembered the dream as more than just this feeling. It’s close to the feeling of waking up from anesthesia, but not quite it. It’s lonely and hollow and fragile/broken, but at the same time very far away and thick – so full of contradictions. it feels like floating in space but all contained in a body-shape made of thin melted sugar. It’s vast but contained. I feel like I’m at once the easy-break-sugar container and the tiny thing floating inside. Wtf?
I’m also starting to feel very much like a little kid who knows she has a ton of stuff to do, but just has no idea how to do it or how to ask for help in doing it… I’m feeling like I ducked something up really badly, but not sure what or how (or how to fix it). There’s an impending doom feeling that I can’t shake. There’s mistakes I can’t bring myself to admit to. I don’t know what they are, but there’s a feeling inside that I need to admit fault for whatever it is (if I don’t admit fault and apologize, something else bad will happen, only nothing bad has happened). Not sure where this is all coming from, but it’s overwhelming and very intrusive. Part of me wants to call De to talk, but I’m not sure what to say. There’s a fear in reaching out, especially since I don’t know what’s going on or what I need. Ugh… and I don’t think I could actually talk about it anyway. Duck!