resentments

i’m starting to resent my volunteer job. As much as I love it while I’m there, the thought of going there brings up anxiety and frustration. I don’t want to have to be “on” or together or anything resembling human and social. I’m beginning to resent all of our commitments that involve being social… I don’t know what happened. I like hanging out with the very few friends we have down here, but that’s about it. I don’t want to go back to ASL, I don’t want to have to volunteer anymore, I don’t want to have to make plans. Yes, they are nice to have something to look forward to, but lately they just cause stress.
I feel bad about this though. I know my wife wants to keep doing them, I know I should have outside commitments. I know I shouldn’t let the depression get to me. It’s weird too, because I don’t necessarily feel depressed, but the behaviors point to depression, and the constant desire to cry tells me I’m more on the depressed side of things… Someone mentioned bipolar again to me. I still don’t sit well with this label, but it is fitting the moment in a way. Not so much a mania, but maybe a hypomania followed by extreme depression. I never did understand how there could be a bipolar characterized by only depressive episodes, but maybe that’s what this is? Maybe I’ll ask De’s thoughts on it next week.

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