today – therapy & the beach

Today’s session with De was interesting. I didn’t quite talk about all of the stuff I wanted to talk about, but we did spend the session on something really important. She helped normalize some of the things I have been stressing over. She also said it was important to “honor where [I’m] at” before trying to get past it. I told her I felt like I had been stuck here forever, but she reminded me that things like that take time to “get over” and there have been a lot of recent triggers that are just that: triggers. They don;t necessarily have to come from some known place, but can be something as simple as a smell or a phrase. This past week, “triggers” had been all around, so it’s understandable that I would be falling back into a more vulnerable space. She also reminded me that what I had been worried about was inherently a vulnerable position, but especially so because of my history. I guess I see that, but I’m still frustrated by it. I wish I could make it all better already. I feel like I need to do this for not only myself, but also the others around me. So what that the house is the same and the room is the same and a lot of the people are the same… I should be habituated by now. We’ve been here for 10 months already, the triggers should not be as “loud” as they are… De reminded me that one huge factor had not been present the whole time (G), and that it changes things. She also wanted me to remember that everyone deals with things on their own time. Others may think I should be “over it” but they are not in my head… I guess she’s right. I just can’t help but feel pressure from them (either created by me or actually there, I’m not quite sure) to be better already.

As I talked about all this stuff with her, I proceeded to peel the color off my coffee mug. She mentioned that it seemed easier for me to talk about emotions if I had some kind of distraction (art, peeling the mug). Yeah. It is. A measure of dissociation is good to help me skim the surface of the emotions without getting lost in them. At least, it’s working most of the time.

We set another appointment for Tuesday. I’m glad she just kinda went with offering it, because I don;t think I would have done too hot waiting for a whole week, but I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to ask for it.

After therapy, I didn’t really want to be home. Some days (especially if they are emotionally charged) it feels like there are huge iron bars on the windows and doors as if it were a jail cell. It has felt this way since I was a child. L was ok with going out again. I had wanted to hit up the Everglades, but she suggested the beach. We came home long enough to use the bathroom, change, eat, and head out. It was nice to be out there. While I hated the beach growing up, I am totally in love with it now. The water and sky is so relaxing. We played around for a few hours. Most of the time was spent in the water. There were small fish near shore and they scared the crap out of me every time they touched my feet. I took to trying to float most of the time, until one fresh little fish decided it would be fun to swim up my shorts. I would have shot straight out of the water if my feet had something to push off of. I ran right to shore cursing the fish the whole time. I think he won the bet with his fishy friends about who dared to swim up the girl’s shorts… ugh! Anyway, I got some nice pics. I really love the beach. I love the water the most. Tomorrow will probably be the Everglades though… Nature is definitely my Zen place.

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