float on through

I’m pretty sure that’s a Modest Mouse song title, but I’m too lazy to double check.

Volunteered today. The depression’s thicker and heavier today. Been lost in my music all day. Was on a Plumb kick for a few hours, but too many “god” songs came up, so I hurried her on her way. Now I’ve got Staind pumping into my ears… I miss my Cold CD. I’ll have to buy that again some day. I should make a Cold station on Pandora (love that ap!)… ahh… it’s so easy to make a station on there. I’m really glad I splurged on the year subscription. I love having no ads, and having unlimited listening capabilities. I just wish I could pick the specific songs, or limit what played at any one time… repeat would also be nice… Maybe they will get there soon enough.

I’m all over the place at the moment. Did some crafts earlier, then kinda cleaned off the dining room table (also know as the art station). took over half of one of the cabinets in there, because we have a whole ton of stuff with no place to put it. It was nice to be able to organize a bit (at least something in life can be controlled).

I wanted to take a walk with the dogs earlier tonight because the puppy was out of control. but they all ended up being annoying (pre-puppy, I could walk all 4 of them without much issue. Now the puppy is trying to assert his dominance over the others, and it’s messing with the walk… we need to work on that too…).

I see De tomorrow. We will be trying the art therapy stuff. I think it will be easier to talk to her with a tad bit of distraction going on. I can talk easier if I don’t have to pay attention to your attention… I hope we can do something even if the room is booked (hoping she will bring something into her office to work with). I’m going to take my collage book with me again (3rd time’s a charm, right? maybe this time I will show it to her). The stuff in it is (at youngest) a few months old, but it;s still really relevant… I wanted to do another one tonight, but I just didn’t have the space, and then I got distracted. I might still draw something tonight, but I’m not promising anything. There’s an old drawing (lost the original, but I have a copy of it) that suddenly has so much relevance again. If nothing else, I should show her that.

I want to get a half-sleeve tattoo to cover the scars on my right arm… I have made that a priority, since I can;t really afford others, but I want the scars hidden a bit better. I don’t like the threat of having to explain them away. I was going to stop by the studio and get a rough quote so I would know how much to put away, but they don;t open till 1pm, and I was by there around 12:30 with no real intention of putzing around for a half hour. I really want to get Dotty, but L is disturbed by her… we may have to talk about it some more down the line. I really am attached to the idea of the Dotty tattoo. If nothing else, it’s a part of my history.

I’m not drunk, but I feel like i am. Not so much a swimming feeling, as a brutal honesty threatening to break through. I don’t think I’m ready for the consequences of that honesty though, so I will work to keep it under wraps.  I wish there was a place to write it just to document, but there is no place that won’t be read…

weird, windows just timed my session out while I was typing.  that has never happened before.  I went ahead and changed my pw just in case.

I think I want to try losing weight.  I feel fat and sedentary.  I miss my skinny body.  I miss being able to wear what I wanted without looking like a “stuffed little sausage” as my mom liked to call it.  My sleep’s been off, and so has my eating, so this should work out perfectly.  If I could get back down to my pre-medication weight, that would be awesome (65lbs to go!).  Walking the dogs will help.  Eating better will help also.

Anyway, before I start faux-drunk-typing, I will end this blog.  I really have no idea why I feel so drunk.  Heck, at least there will be no hang-over  (it’s the little things).


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