went despite anxiety

I went to  the nature center despite the anxiety.  I was in one hell of a mood on the way there, and a little off once there, but settled into a groove after a while…

Then we came home long enough for L to have a nap and me to try to relax a bit.  At 4 we were off again to meet with a friend.  It was good we went despite both of us being tired.  We re-discovered some old decks we had brought with us (they had the same ones at the cafe) and I did 6 different readings with 6 different sets of card.  All 6 of them ended up with the same message.  L had different messages… The Universe was speaking.  Not sure I care to listen all the time, but the message was noted.  

It’s funny how those things work.  It’s funny how just the right cards can fall from the deck, how the same ones can come up several times without knowing which card you are pulling… This time, I started picking cards, but once I hit the second deck, I chose to notice only the ones that fell out on their own.  No lie, 6 readings with the message of growing with courage from the past.  A very relevant message.  Some were single-card readings, others involved as many as 5 cards (didn’t feel like going through the work of, nor have the attention needed, for more cards per reading).  I think regardless of what you believe in, the messages you need to see will come to you, be it through religion, spirituality, science, or others.  The Universe has it’s way of making things known. 

I also have things that will need to be made known (to facilitate said healing), but I’m a bit more anxious about those conversations than the Universe is… I gave De a journal I had started as a way of communicating the more shameful things… I know she will want to talk about it on Friday.  I want to talk about it too, but I am not sure how far my courage will take me (3 cards with the word courage on them today, 2 more reading specifically addressing courage.  Go figure).  I really hope I get to talk more than the past few sessions… I hope she will notice that I need to be the one talking this time around…

Tomorrow L & I will address some transference with J… L is worried J will terminate due to the feelings involved.  I’m pretty confident that J will take it in stride and explore it and we will work it through.  I’m nervous about the concept, because it hints at how my last marriage ended, but L assures me that will not happen.  I believe her (I have no reason not to), but my heart still stops for a moment when thinking about it.  My irrational fears fly through my head: what if J feels the same?  What if L finds someone else?… but again, I’m basing this on the past, and not on the present.  Maybe this specific thing is part of why I got the same reading 6 times today: the past is not the present, and I need to move confidently in the direction of my life at this time.  I need to shake off the past in order to see the present and future for what they actually are.

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