still running

by now, i should be able to keep up with Olympic marathon runners… 

I stupidly went shopping today and bought some things I really ought not to have spent money on.  I have a problem with spending though, so that was not easily accomplished.  Now I will have to settle for some stuff that I did not really need, but totally wanted in the moment.  The stuff I need will have to wait until next month.  Great.  But, it accomplished some of what I had set out to do today, and that was to keep busy.  I did not do the things I needed to do, but I was able to keep from stumbling for another day.  There’s always tomorrow for all those things that need to happen.  

I gave De the journal in which I had written something I wanted to talk about but could not bring myself to say.  I’m a bit worried about her knowing and wanting to talk about it on Friday.  I kinda just want it to be here already so we can get it over-with (kinda like L wants to get Thursday over-with with J)… I also still feel like there is a ton to talk about still that has not been brought up simply because an hour a week is just not enough time.  I wish I could ask for more, but she seems to be swamped every week so far (though she keeps insisting it’s not normal).  I know next week she has a training to attend, so times will be tight that week also.  I have a feeling every week will be a tight fit.  I really would like to be able to get insurance so that I could get some extra support.  Right now, with De, I don’t feel that would be possible.  I need to address all the stuff that has come up.  I need to make that a priority while I still can.  And I need to be able to cover the incidental stuff that arises throughout the weeks.  

I have to admit though, the flashbacks have subsided to relatively quiet, and the anxiety only hits once in a while (mostly at night, but tonight I did not allow myself the time to get anxious.  I came to bed as soon as it started to hint at arriving).

I also can;t sit still for long, or work on any one project for long.  I get bored and distracted way too fast.  I still have to work on my lizard picture, but today I purchased stuff to make jewelry with.  I put together the pieces I intended to make after the impulse purchase of 2 center-piece beads, but I still have stuff from a few months ago that I need to work on as well.  And then there’s the paintings that were not completed, and the drawings, and collages, and the scrapbooking, and the reptile tank switching, and the plants that need attention, and the major-cleans I have to do in the cat/reptile room, and the laundry, and, and, and… It’s a never-ending string of unfinished projects.  I start something but lose interest part of the way through.  It’s a bad habit.  

If I were bipolar, I would hazard a guess at this being a hypomanic episode.  Only I’m not bipolar, and I’m told this is what the upswing after a depressive episode feels like. I call it running from the next crash.  I try desperately to keep ahead of the avalanche that is rumbling behind me.  I know it’s there because the flashes of thought hint at it.  It’s like that one where the girl thinks about dying in a bunch of ways, then her friend asks her about a scenario that is harmless, and she remarks to her friend: You think of the most improbable things (or something like that). I’m catching myself imagining occurrences that may or may not lead to my death, and what it would take to bring it about.  Not suicidal thoughts so much as passive questions along the lines of “what would happen if my car suddenly hydroplaned on the highway and I crashed and died?” or “the crime rate here seems so high, I wonder if I will become a statistic tonight?”  Talk about imagining weird things, but that’s one of the things depression does to you: it makes you wonder where the escape hatch is every moment of every day (even good days when you don’t think it’s there, the flashes come, but they come more frequently as the depression gets closer).  Weird thing I have noticed lately: When i anticipate something with my mood, it tends not to be as catastrophic as it has been in the past.  I’ve felt like I’ve been running for quite some days now, and nothing has actually caught up with me.  I made a crisis plan in case things went south with G’s visit here the week before last, and nothing bad happened.  I worry about my mood when it’s that point in my cycle, but the hopelessness doesn’t come as hard.  I’m counting on this to be the same:  I’m worried about a crash that never happens (or at least it will be much smaller than I am anticipating).  I hope it holds true.

But in the mean time, I will keep running to try to out-run the descent.  Maybe I can try out for the Olympics along the way.  I’m pretty sure I could figuratively give some of those athletes a run for their money…


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