I’m lost again…

… but not in the same way I was last week.  Last week’s “lost” translated to hopeless despair.  This week’s “lost” translates to being unsure of my path and my purpose.  I feel the hopelessness, but not the despair.

I saw the SA therapist yesterday.  I have made the decision not to continue seeing her.  She took what little hope I had left for finding helpful treatment and crushed it to the ground.  She made me feel like my goals for treatment and my ideas of what will work are impossible and non-existent.  She spent 20 minutes out of our 30 minute session (I chose to leave early) harping on being involuntarily committed.  She said that she is not above calling the cops to go to someone’s house to pick them up after they leave a session.  My initial question to her was how a voluntary hospitalization would affect our work together.  She insisted that there was no voluntary hospitalization, and that if I even told her I felt the need to be inpatient, she would commit me.    She insisted that, even if I went there on my own, I would lose all input to my treatment (which seems accurate for this state at least at the general hospital level.  I’m not sure about specialized psych hospitals).   She insisted that I would be discharged for not doing exactly as the “professionals” suggested even if I disagreed with the treatment.  I told her I did not respond well to most meds.  She then asked why I would want to go inpatient.  I tried to explain that I was looking for a treatment program, not crisis stabilization.  I told her I wanted to be able to tackle some of the trauma stuff in a safe environment.  She seemed unable to grasp that concept.  She continued on judging me and calling me willful.  She said I will never find treatment to meet my needs because I was not open to medications.  I tried to tell her how all my treaters were amazed at how much better I did off meds, but she said it was just the cyclical nature of my depression…  In the same breath that she told me I would not benefit from therapy with her, she also told me she wanted me to come in twice a week. It was at that point that I gave up, thanked her for her time, and left.  I told her I will get back in contact with the center if I ever needed their help, but I was not interested in it at this time.

What is it about the way I say things that has people so disbelieving and misinterpreting what I say.  Is it that I am a person who struggles with all this, so I can’t possibly know myself enough to know what works and what does not?  Is my education and understanding of treatment invalid because I carry a number of diagnoses? Has my experience in the field been over-shadowed by my struggles?

Hoping to regain some hope, I called a local trauma treatment center (WIIT) for info.  They do not take my potential insurance, so I asked if they knew of any places with a similar treatment model.  The lady on the phone gave me the name to a place in New Orleans, River Oaks Hospital.  They seem promising, and take my potential insurance.  I will probably try to call them soon.  There  is one aspect to their treatment that I cringe at:

Spiritual Integration Group

meets weekly to address issues of spirituality. This group identifies spiritual interfering beliefs and behaviors with a focus on healthy challenges and choices.

I am not religious.  I do not want to find Allah or God or Jehova or Jesus.  I have my beliefs, and I am satisfied with them.  I am also very triggered by talk of turning to organized religion or spirituality.  I can accept Buddhism a little easier, but even that makes my skin crawl.  I can handle the concept of a universal energy.  I can sometimes accept that we are here for a reason, so our souls can learn whatever it is they singed up for when taking on this life, but I certainly cannot handle talk of a god.  I am ok with a heavily scientific bend to my life… So I will call this place and see if I can learn more about this group.  I specifically stay away from any 12-step style programs because it is so triggering to me.  I hate that so many places place such emphasis on that model.  It’s another example of something pervasive in treatment circles, yet does not work for everyone.  When I mention how triggering spirituality and religion are to me, people inevitably label it as resistance to treatment.  They have trouble understanding that I do not believe in it, nor do I wish to convert my belief structure…

Anyway, stepping off my soapbox, I’m lost.  I have trouble seeing much past the immediate circumstance.  I don’t know what to do with myself.  I have little motivation and fewer resources.  This just sucks…