Daily Archives: July 21, 2013

re-building the energy I lost along the way

Much of Friday’s session was my therapist trying to convince me that depression is just fooling me into thinking I have no energy.  We went back and forth for a while.  He tried his best.  He tried to tell me that if I really had no energy, I would pass out from trying to do anything.  If I really had no energy, I would not be able to sit in the chair and talk to him because I would not have made it to his office…  I didn’t really have it in me to battle it out.  I just shrugged and conceited at the end I think (or maybe that’s just what I imagined doing, but never managed to do it in real-time – the whole energy thing coming into play).

We ended the session with him asking me to rank “how worried should I be about you”… I said 5, then explained myself (because in my head it should have been a 9) – if I could have guaranteed my demise without being found, and without ending up at Henderson should I fail, I would move to kill myself.  So then we decided I should go to the ER, hence my brief sleep-over.

Since returning home, the depression came back hard for a short time, but I was able to lessen its impact by sleeping some yesterday (you’d be surprised how incredibly uncomfortable hospital stretchers can be when you are not allowed to move from it for longer than it takes you to use the bathroom).  Today, as much as I wanted to do a whole lot of nothing, we ended up running some errands.  We had to return a sewing machine to try to get some money for gas and dog food.  I also needed to fill my scripts.  So we did all that, but also ended up going to Best Buy to try to find a laptop to replace the tablet I broke (the wife was fine with it, since she hated the tablet).  We also went to her work to find out her schedule – they shafted her again with only 12 hours for the week. We then came home, and had to clean the cat/reptile room.  It was a horrid mess. My wife helped (translate that to read – she did most of the work).  I bleached one of the snake cage’s worth of decor and ran out of steam.  The hide, water dish, and log are all still chilling in the bathroom in need of further attention.  All-in-all however, I did more today than I have done in 2 weeks.  And on D’s “worried” scale, I would say I’m back down to a 2.  Pretty good for someone who was contemplating returning to the ER a mere 3 hours after she left.  Let’s hope this all holds up throughout the week.  I have a shit-ton of errands/chores to attend to this week, and an equally appalling amount of stress to go with it.  The car should be ready for pick-up by Tuesday the latest, and we still only have $250 out of the $1000 needed to spring her.  I would offer to sell my body, but I don’t think even scientists would want it…

I think I need a drink now, and another few days worth of sleep.