I don’t know what to say. I feel like shit for writing that op-ed on suicide. I know it hurts people to read that kind of stuff. It drives my wife nuts, and we argue about it. It scares my mom. And, even though the woman who lost her 23yr old daughter to suicide recently said I did no offend her, I feel like I would have been if I happened to read that blog after losing my kid… I would feel like complete shit because this asshole over here is so wrapped in her own shit that she can’t see the pain it causes. The thing is, I CAN see the pain it causes. I can FEEL the pain it causes, but it is over-shadowed by my own pain. And part of me is thinking “F*** that shit! I deserve out. I deserve a break in any way I can get it!”… even if it means bowing out of life permanently. But then I see the tears in my wife’s eyes; tears she doesn’t want to admit to, and I crumble inside. I know I would be lost and SO hurt without her… so what makes it ok for me to think like that? what makes me worth more than anyone else in this world? and I get tired of fighting within myself again… This is all just so much bull shit! I want out! I want my head to stop falling apart. I want a life I can appreciate… but then I worry I won’t be able to be in a place to appreciate it… and I come back to just wanting out in ANY way possible… and I hate myself more, because I know anything I do at this point causes pain. My anger causes pain, my hopelessness causes pain, and my fight causes pain. So I can’t win. fuck.
I’m about to go into marriage counseling with the intent of tackling the topic of how my wife will cope when I eventually end up inpatient (voluntarily, because I need to deal with all this shit). And I’m afraid more will come out, and I’m afraid J will not let me decide to go home. And I’m afraid that I will wind up in Henderson because that’s the only place that will take me without benefits… and I will be trapped. I hate being trapped… I just need to hold it together long enough for either medicare or medicaid to be approved so I can get treatment, and not just containment… shoot me please?
I wish I could handle this shit better. I wish I could do what J says and move on from this place, but my head refuses to budge. Maybe it’s just me. Maybe I’m a stubborn asshole who just wants to wallow… I’m so tired of all this.
finally, the military is recognizing PTSD symptoms in the dogs they force to work for them… I just saw a news blurb that about 5% of the 650 working dogs they have are developing PTSD. They have the same hyper-vigilance, change in appetite, and refusal to work that soldiers and humans exhibit with PTSD.
I assumed one of my dogs was suffering similar experiences from my suicide attempts and depression, but found no studies on PTSD-like symptoms in dogs… this makes me think she may actually have it. She startles easier than before (though she has always had a quick startle response), she gets mad at me when I leave for extended periods of time. She hides when things get loud, she gave me the worst look when had seen me cutting… She gets anxious when my depression gets bad and I am in bed all the time, or pacing or restless or isolating. She will stick close when I start to isolate, or she will also isolate herself. I wish I had the funds to get her some anxiety medication. I originally noticed the first signs of change in her after my first suicide attempt back in 2007. She not only changed her behavior, but she started going grey at the ripe old age of 3…
She had been through a lot in her life. She was a stray from the south. An organization in NY pulled her from the euthanasia list when she was about a year old… they were going to kill her because she was not only a black dog, but a black dog with puppies. I had originally contacted Adopt-A-Dog looking at one of her puppies. The lady emailed me back saying all the puppies were gone, but mom was available, would we be interested in looking at her? My ex and I were just excited that someone had gotten back to us about a dog finally. We had been looking for weeks, and always wound up with dead-ends. We drove the 2 hours that weekend to go see her. They also showed us another dog, but my ex wanted Sadie. I don’t regret it for a minute. Goosie is the best dog ever. I just feel bad that I have traumatized her to the point of increasing her PTSD so much so that she completely freaks out and sulks when one of us leaves for more than a few hours.
Anyway. Yeah, animals can get PTSD also, and from more than just combat. I hope there will be more studies into this, and a treatment devised to help them through all this crap. And I hope we can learn to be more careful around them and with them. Animals are more like us than most people think…
I broke down and told my wife what I have not yet told therapist. (He will find out tomorrow). And now anxiety has set in. I’m regretting mentioning it to anyone in the first place, let alone anyone that can and will do something about it. And I’m scared, because what if things don’t change for the better? What if the pit just gets darker and deeper? I really don’t see the light right now. I wish I could say I saw a glimmer of hope, but it’s all just a face I put on for show. This is all so incredibly tiring.