Talk about stressful movie night. First I had the bright idea of watching a documentary on suicides off the Golden Gate Bridge (called The Bridge). Then we decided to watch Hunger Games… I took 2 vistaril just to have my breathing return to normal… awesome movie though.
Daily Archives: July 11, 2013
Listening to music and feeling free in it. It finally works again. There’s some measure of peace. I was able to accomplish one task that I had to finish before 4pm today, so that is good. The other call is based on that person’s availability, so we will see how that works out.
A blogger I follow described her morning as a good one, though she doubted anyone else would understand. I think I relate. I want to bawl my eyes out and hide, but it’s a good morning. the si thinking has taken a back-burner for the first time in a long time without the use of medication or alcohol… it’s allowing the desire to cry actual tears to seep through (I was going to write “bleed through”, but figured it would sound wrong… or be taken wrong… not sure why I told you that). The depression is still here and immense, but the obsessive thinking has stepped off, so I can breathe a bit. We will see how long it lasts (probably not too long, as I can feel it tugging the door to my consciousness again already).
Sometimes the stupidest little things can help you make it through the moment. Yesterday and today, it’s the thought of others working to help me get what I need. (the thought of hurting my loved ones is always there, and always a consideration). I can’t do anything to jeopardize the work they are doing… I don’t want them to have gone through all that effort for not. So here I am treading water through another day. I need to cry, but it’s not coming… maybe later today during couple’s therapy (where I don’t want to go, but will anyway – it’s very difficult to work on relationship issues when you are mired in your own muck)… I think I decided I need to try some art today, but the spark of creativity is not here at the moment… that too, will likely come when I am away from my supplies (in therapy, where I will try to occupy myself with other things so I don’t have to address the very pressing issues of “us”).
I am so thankful my therapist left open tomorrow for me… I could not ask for it (and was very ambivalent about wanting to take it) when we met on Monday, but I know I need it. I feel bad taking so much of his time. He has limited time, and I take up too much of it sometimes. He left Friday even though I had not committed to it, and he said he would not schedule anyone in the slot. He said there was no obligation to show up, but it was there if I needed it. Again, people caring and I really don’t know why. So I need to keep hanging on even when all the energy and fight has left me… Maybe if I get approved for disability, I will finally be able to get that intensive therapy I’m holding my breath for, and maybe it will be the miracle I’m hoping for. It’s tough to hold out hope when so far everything has met with disaster and failure. The only thing that helped the last time I was like this was the trauma therapy at The Center. I’m hoping being able to get into another intensive program will have a similar effect… and maybe if I’m going to one close by, I can keep up the outpatient piece also, and the effects would be more lasting. I really hope I’m not putting all my stock into this treatment only to find it doesn’t work – putting all my eggs into one basket and all – but I’m running out of options. Medications don’t work, I’m flat-out and forever refusing ECT, DBT triggers me… There are not many options out there that people are willing to try with me. I run out of steam advocating for myself, and the people around me run out of steam trying to do the same.
Our wedding song just came on my pandora station. 🙂 …or maybe I’ll just cry now.
She is leaving the organization to do her own practice. It’s really cool and a wonderful opportunity, but she will be missed. She brings great energy to the group, and I’m not sure how this new facilitator will work out – she’s nice, but no K.
Anyway, she offered to put us on the mailing list. I really want to do her inner child workshop, and the rest of the offerings are also cool… Hope it works out for her.