Daily Archives: July 10, 2013

it’s all rooted in…

Anxiety: I get frantic, so I need to si. And the anxiety meds are not really doing much lately… I just want to release the pressure of everything. I will not have my car again until the end of the month. It’s our only car. We are relying on my mom allowing us to use hers when needed, but she is possessive of hers, and doesn’t want us using it too much… she doesn’t like feeling trapped.
it’s also rooted in feeling trapped. and I feel so trapped right now. I have no place to write the graphic detail of my head without worry that someone will read it. I have no release, so my head turns to thoughts of si and the other si… and I can’t tell anyone either, because it would cause worry and over-blown protectiveness. So I try to sleep and take as many of my meds as I can without going through the whole bottle in one day. I have no way to get more at least until the end of the month, and even then I am skeptical.
I can’t watch the graphic movies that make me feel better because they disturb the others around me. The SA therapist says I can’t see her if I get hospitalized because talking about it needs to be done when I’m stable – but it’s there anyway, talking about it won’t make it worse. If anything, talking about it will help alleviate some of it…
And I feel trapped, and anxious, and SO alone in this (because I choose not to let anyone in real life in. it causes too much trouble for all involved). They say I need to let others in, but I don’t know how to do it safely… How do you let others in and be able to ask them not to take your coping skills away from you?
The music isn’t working, the journaling isn’t working, the art isn’t coming, the movies are met with disapproval, the running isn’t possible without being followed (even when I promise to be safe and be back by a certain time, and I tell them where I go, and I take a dog with me). I feel like a small child with no resources to turn to without fear of repercussions… and I feel trapped… which brings more anxiety, which intensifies the trapped feeling, which intensifies all the negative coping urges… Fucking cycles from which I can’t break free. and I don’t know how to ask for help in any way that’s successful or understood. So what do I do now?