Daily Archives: July 9, 2013

People give a shit = mind blown!

Still can’t get over the fact that people outside of family care… and find me worthy of help.  Why people? I’m confused! (And very drunk)


When even breathing is hard

I know people who have not experienced it will have little comprehension, but today has been incredibly hard… even breathing is difficult.  I wish my head would stop,  but without drugs or alcohol, it keeps chattering on. The thought of having to do this over again tomorrow and the day after is painful. I see no real end to the struggle. I wish I could be hopeful, but I’m just not. And there’s no hope for any real help, just little things to help get to the next moment. I wish it was more than that. I wish I looked forward to some peace of soul… but when existing hurts, it’s hard to see anything outside of this immense weight of having to keep living. I would reach out for help,  but what will that get me? Trapped in a stupid psych unit where they medicate only, and there’s no helpful coping skills to use (down here, you can’t even have crayons at your disposal – they can be a weapon). How sad. Does this ever end for good? Can I look forward to a life without this in it any more? Because if there’s hope for that, I can convince that one shred of hope to keep hanging on… but right now all I see is this and I don’t like the look of it.
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Alcohol makes everything better, at least while you are drunk. I finished the rest of the “drunken jello” – feeling a lot better 🙂


Weird

I’m not quite sure what it is about me that allows people to want to help me, but I’m finding they do. It’s weird because I don’t see myself as worth the effort. I know people say I am, but I don’t see what they see… twice this week I have run into people that have limited contact with me to date yet are willing to go above and beyond to help. I don’t get it… I’m not opposed to it; and I’m learning to take the help that is offered, but I’m not used to it. It’s strange to me… I’m used to people running the other direction (with the exception of a few)…