Daily Archives: July 4, 2013

happy independence day

is it really wrong an unpatriotic of me to hate this holiday?  to be fair, I hate pretty much every holiday except Halloween… but this one is a few days short of the anniversary of my first suicide attempt, and the death of my aunt.  so it brings up a lot of junk (much like christmas) that makes my body and my head feel icky.  I will forget the anniversary until my body and mind start reacting to things – little things that have nothing to do with anything, but intense anger surfaces, as does intense sadness.  it takes my mind a few days to catch up with all the unconscious cues pointing to the emotional charge of this holiday. i don’t consciously think of all this, but my body brings about flashbacks and crazy mood swings… i feel so out of control, and then the calendar reminds me of the time of year, and it all makes a bit more sense.  for a few years, this anniversary did not bother me so much – the symptoms were much more muted.  coming “home” though has amplified all of it, much like everything else… so I again hate this holiday.  i hate the memories tied to it, and i hate the patriotism that is only present on this day.  i am not patriotic, nor will I pretend to be today. i will enjoy the fireworks from my roof, but only if all the cats are inside by dark (a difficult feat with one cat who hates being indoors since we moved in).  i get anxious for my animals, because the concussive sounds of all the blasts make them anxious and cranky.  I will not be able to play with my snakes for the remainder of the weekend (they hear through vibration, and even this far from professional shows, fireworks are legal here, so people set them off in their driveways too…)  the dogs will bark, the cats will freak, and the reptiles will be a mess… remind me to bring the lizards and millipedes in for the night and weekend…

Despicable Me 2 came out yesterday.  we don’t have enough money to watch it 😦  i hate being broke…

and there’s my cranky mood seeping back in, so I will sign off now.  have a good weekend all.